Bertie's B-Movie Basement

I’ve been doing this blog malarkey for a while now, and in the abundance of movies I’ve looked at, it has become apparent that certain films cannot be judged in the same leagues as the more mainstream cinematic ventures that most critics would rate them. For example, one of my favourite Christmas movies, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman cannot technically, in all its glory, be given any higher than a one star review, though in its own genius way, and for sheer schlock value, it would garner itself a full five stars. The same can be said for the masterpiece of comedy that is Return of the Killer Tomatoes, which, when compared to, say, Godfather Part 2, is shockingly appalling, but as a work of humour and stupidity likewise gains full marks in my eyes.

And so, in a new feature to Silver Screen Lining, I present to you Bertie’s B-Movie Basement, a segment in which I shall be looking at B-movie classics for exactly what they are; entirely incomparable to the mainstream.

Films in this section will be rated on their own unique daftness. Most likely, they shall be low budget, straight to video, and inevitably looked down on by the academic eye, but they shall gain marks for originality, comedy and, in true B-Movie tradition, utter stupidity.

Carnosaur
(Adam Simon and Darren Moloney, 1993)

3 Stars

The first of my basement ventures is the delightfully blatant Jurassic Park rip-off from the studios of the legendary Roger Corman (Tomb of Ligeia, The Pit and the Pendulum) that is Carnosaur. Allegedly based on John Brosnan’s book of the same name (though he now claims no affiliation with it), Carnosaur tells the tale (in a wonderfully badly plotted way) of a genetic scientist (Diane Ladd, Kingdom Hospital) hell-bent on destroying mankind by engineering dinosaurs using chicken DNA.

Along the way, we have some brilliantly bad puppets, most of which look like rejects from the “Boglins” range, accompanied by more gore than a Romero movie. The highlight therein being a remarkably stomach-churning scene in which a woman gives birth to a small plastic dinosaur. Exactly how graphics these bad preceded the visual wonder of Jurassic Park by only one year is both baffling and ultimately amusing.

Complimenting the terrible plot and cringe-worthy creatures is a script spattered with some truly great one liners and a cast that really give it their all. Real proof that conviction and comedy really are the key to a decent B-movie.

If you’re up for a great dino-flick, go for Spielberg’s masterpiece. If, however, you fancy a hilariously nonsensical creature feature, then be sure to check this out; you’ll never look at that Early Learning Centre t-rex the same way again.