Spiderman for the Bieber Generation

The Amazing Spider-man

Marc Webb, 2012

2 Stars

It’s very difficult to try and view this summer’s Spiderman reboot objectively. Aside from the obvious “too soon” statement upon every audience member’s lips, there is something so very iconic about Sam Raimi’s Spiderman that it was always going to be difficult to beat. Uncle Ben’s “With Great Power…” speech. The Spidey kiss. Even the infamous Saturday Night Fever-esque struts of Spiderman 3 (only five years ago, just in case you haven’t heard that enough of late) are such a notable part of so many people’s growing up, that no matter what director Marc Webb brought to the table in his allegedly darker retelling, it was never going to be enough for most die-hard fans.

So let’s not dwell too much on what was, and look instead at what is.

In The Amazing Spiderman we are once again taken back to the beginning on a journey that ticks all of the boxes in Spiderman mythology; bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter Parker (played by could-be One Direction member Andrew Garfield) falls for high school sweetheart Mary Jane… Check that, Gwen Stacey (sultry and husky Emma Stone), loses his beloved Uncle Ben at the hands of a petty crook after some stupid decisions, and goes on to battle a mutated mentor, all the while getting to grips with his newfound spider-senses.

On paper, it ticks all of the right boxes, and indeed there is some good to be found here; a couple of touching scenes, most notably for this jaded Spidey fan, the moment when school bully Flash Thompson (a rather pathetically unthreatening Chris Zylka… in fact, I can’t of a less convincing school hard-ass save for Kiefer Sutherland in Stand By Me) actually sympathises with Parker’s lost uncle, and a wonderful scene in which Spidey saves a young boy from a car moments before it plummets into the Hudson. Rhys Ifans’ performance as teacher-turned-nemesis Curt Connors is also at times touching, if somewhat underdeveloped, and Martin Sheen does a nice job as the tragic Uncle Ben.

Where the film truly falls short however, is in its attempts to be a darker, more brooding Spiderman. The attempts to echo the success of Batman Begins are evident throughout, but whereas Nolan’s films worked by bringing the Dark Knight into a reality, the Marvel Universe is flawed in its own supernatural elements. When your hero is empowered by a modified spider and your villains are giant lizard men, it’s a little difficult to imagine this really happening in downtown New York.

Of course, if the story is strong, we, as an audience, will buy it. Unfortunately, the script is so clunky and jumpy it feels like it has been written by a first-year script-writing student with a little too much time on his hands. The exposition is so heavy-handed that one scene in particular will remain in my head for years to come as the most ridiculous foretelling-of-a-baddie’s-plan moment of all time… Not quite word for word, but;

INT: OSCORP LABS

A large, ominous-looking machine. Enter DR CURT CONNORS.

CONNORS: Hello, I’m Dr Curt Connors. I want to rid the world of weakness. This is a machine that can cover an entire city with a cloud of toxic gas.

Obviously, not quite verbatim, but I swear, not far off. I actually groaned loudly in the cinema as I sipped on my Ironman tommy tipple. And how does the Lizard discover that Spiderman is actually Peter Parker? Spidey drops his camera during a scuffle, and conveniently on it is a sticker stating “Property of Peter Parker”. Come on people! At times, the writing honestly feels like a poorly plotted episode from Spiderman The Animated Series. The intrepid soul-searching and “quest for answers” promised by the marketing campaign is also completely non-existent. Having a brooding lead does not automatically mean that there are answers to be found; one does have to ask some questions in the first place!

But, the question is, is it enjoyable? And yes, I have to admit, I had a good time. Though not a patch on its predecessors, there is fun to be had here. Quite simply put, it’s Spidey for the Beiber generation. I’m already fully aware of the tweenage (and worryingly older) Garfield fans this end of the globe, and can only imagine the starry eyed young girls swooning over the far-too-attractive-to-be-Peter-Parker young fellow in the est of the world. I guess the only way to properly gauge this film as a success would be to wait until this year’s twelve year-olds are subjected to the next reboot in 2024 and see how they react. But for me? Spiderman? Not quite… Amazing? Far from it.

Bring on the Bat-Maaaaan…

God Save the Queen...?

Monkeybone
Henry Selick, 2001

4 Stars

Yesterday, whilst every other true-blooded Brit was adorning himself in bunting or pumping out patriotism along the Thames in celebration of the Queen`s jubilee, I, upon a Sunday evening nonetheless, had the flat to myself. As such, I think I can be forgiven for putting on my jim-jams, pouring a Bell`s and coke and settling down to a much-loved film that no-one remembers.

Said film, in this instance, was Henry Selick`s oft-forgotten little gem Monkeybone.

After critical success with his previous stop-motion movies, The Nightmare Before Christmas and James and the Giant Peach, Selick decided to play his hand at bringing his unique style of animation to purely adult audiences. Taking inspiration from the wickedly dark Canadian graphic novel Dark Town, Monkeybone centers around successful cartoonist Stu Miley (Brendan Fraser back when he was fun), creator of the cheeky simian Monkeybone, as he finds himself knocked into a coma and thrust into a world of nightmares. Therein he becomes the unlucky patsy in a plot by nightmare king Hypnos to infiltrate the real world.

But, as with so much of Selick`s work, it`s not the story that sells it; it`s Selick`s mix of stellar animation, dark comedy and outright strangeness. And for the most part, it`s here that Monkeybone excels. The nightmare world is realized with fantastic aplomb, with each and every character and set piece detailed to the utmost. Rose McGowan`s turn as the mouthwatering Miss Kitty is simply icing on the cake.

Unfortunately, the film does fall a little short during its final act, when the action returns to the real world, but quite frankly, enough delightful groundwork comes before it, that I find myself forgiving this lapse in action. That said, Chris Kattan does provide a good giggle as Organ Donor Stu.

Having been desperately trying to find a little of the old Burton in Big Tim`s recent films, watching Monkeybone, I find myself wondering why he doesn`t team up once again with his erstwhile partner, Selick… Burton, you could learn something here old bean.

Les Animations Francaise

Les Triplettes de Belleville

Sylvian Chomet, 2003

4.5 Stars

I’ve never been one to hide my distaste for French cinema. Indeed, on a recent trip to Paris, I was labeled a philistine by some of my closest friends simply because I would rather succumb to the fate of a Piranha 3D extra than be made to sit through Amelie again.

As such, I was somewhat skeptical of Manami’s recent endorsement of the French animation Les Triplettes de Belleville. Heaven forbid I should have to endure yet another Francophilic couple of hours of overated “art”.

I’m glad to say that on some occasions my arrogance is utterly misplaced.

Les Triplettes de Belleville is a charming little animation which follows the tale of young Champion, a cyclist trained by his overbearing grandmother, set to win the Tour de France. During the race, however, he is kidnapped by the mafia to take part in a bizarre gambling experiment, and it is up to grandma, with the help of the titular triplets (a trio of jazz singing, frog eating old dames), and an hilariously overweight bloodhound to rescue him.

Told silently through pantomime and slapstick, the story is utterly absurd, but somehow one of the most heartwarming animations I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. The artwork is a peculiar mix of 2D and CGI, with beautifully realized backdrops perfectly clashing with the most grotesque of caricatures (who, in the most self-deprecating I’ve ever seen in animated film, all look outstandingly French!).  A flavour of the Miyazaki air is abundant, and as such it is clear to see why this was a sleeper hit in Japan.

With toe-tapping music throughout, and a dinner scene to rival The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this is certainly a little cinematic gem I’m glad to have been introduced to… Perhaps France deserves another chance…

Hmm…

Back From the Shadows

Dark Shadows

Tim Burton, 2012

3.5 Stars

It has been nigh on two centuries since I’ve sat down at my desk (and by desk, naturally I mean hunched over the coffee table… it’ll be a good while still until I find myself actually writing on an actually desk) and reviewed anything. A shame really, with this Spring’s spate of Joss Whedon films, the entirety of Heroes having been worked through, and a decent handful of heart-wrenching season finales having littered our screens.

Of course, there are excuses for this absence; for a good six months, I was without computer, my trusty laptop having given up the ghost after five years of faithful world-weary service. Add to that the mania of funerals, health scares, and the ever-looming thing they call “real life”, and I have to admit that quite honestly, I have not been arsed.

But, after umming and ah-ing for the last few weeks, I figured that it’s time to give this old girl another chance to rise from the grave, and hopefully this time, much like Tim Burton’s newest outing, it might turn out just that little better than expected…

Dark Shadows, as every review/trailer/interview/marketing mogul keeps reminding us, is Burton’s eighth outing with long time collaborator Johnny Depp. The film, a retooling of a seventies soap opera, of which, I must admit, I was completely oblivious to the existence of, tells the tale of the accursed Collins family, a tribe of New England settlers who unfortunately fall foul of a love-lorne witch.

Depp plays Barnabus Collins, a vampire. It’s obvious casting, and one can’t help but feel that Depp perhaps wasn’t actually the best of choices for the role. He flounces around a lot and does his generic faux-cockney Sparrow/Todd/Crane accent and tis all in good fun, but y’know what? I would’ve got Michael Keeton to do it. Ho hum.

The supporting cast (as let’s face it, with Mr. Depp out front, that’s all they’ll ever be) try their best, with Jackie Earle Haley as the groundsman of the Collins’ estate certainly coming close to stealing the show. Chloe Moretz, in her ever-increasing weirdness, is a delight as the moody teenage daughter, and Alice Cooper and Christopher Lee cameo to great effect. That said, the cast member who I personally was most excited about, Johnny Lee Miller of Trainspotting fame, unfortunately wins the award for “most unnecessary character of the century”.

With Burton, however, it’s not story (good, ‘cause there ain’t exactly a coherent narrative) nor cast that we’ve come to anticipate, but simply the knowledge that when we sit down to something from the mind of Big Tim, we’re in for a couple of hours of visual delights and outright weirdness. 

Alas, for me at least, this is where the film fell a little flat. The comedy was there (a stand out being the two hundred year old vampire’s rendition of Steve Miller Band’s “The Joker”), and the set and costume was immaculate, managing to capture Burton’s image, whilst at the same time encapsulating the cheesiness of the American soap opera ethos. Unfortunately, however, it simply wasn’t weird enough. The supernatural tone of the film seemed completely forgotten during the central act, and one can’t help but feel that if one or two of the plethora of revelations that are made in the last ten minutes were made a little earlier, we would’ve have a much more interesting experience all round.

In all, Dark Shadows is a decent enough movie; certainly far better than the last few films Burton has spewed out, this time feeling much more like his more passionate earlier work, rather than a movie for spectacle’s sake (see Alice in Wonderland). Just don’t go in expecting Beetlejuice and you shouldn’t be too disappointed.

The Great Disney Countdown Part 2

Ahoy hoy ladies and gents. So, after last week’s bottom ten, we start hitting so little cinematic gems… Nothing huge just yet… After all, we’ve not hit thirty just yet.

So, for you enjoyments, here’s numbers forty to thirty-one.

40. Bolt (2008)

A dog, brought up to believe he is a superhero, who is in fact simply the title character in his own TV series, finds himself powerless in the real world after his co-star, Miley Cyrus, is kidnapped. Bolt is a great concept and a pretty fun film. Indeed, of Disney’s brief sojourn in CGI, it’s by far the best. Does it measure up to the real classics though? Well, not really. But it’s still good fun.

39. Home on the Range (2004)

Home on the Range boasts one of the best opening numbers a Disney film has ever produced. There’s also a lot of fun to be had with the highly camp yodelling baddie. Unfortunately it’s just a bit too Chuck Jones to be considered real Disney. That said, it’s well worth a few chuckles, and has a stellar voice cast. Disney’s final 2D animation. Y’know, before they realised how stupid that idea was.

38. Tarzan (1999)

I guess the main problem Tarzan had is that it followed the golden age, and just didn’t live up to its predecessors. Following straight on from a series of nine absolutely top-notch films, Tarzan just didn’t make the grade. With a soundtrack by Phil Collins, rather than actual songs performed by the characters, it was a bit of an oddity. Good animation and likable characters, as well as the touching story of Tarzan’s primate family, make this nonetheless a good’un.

37. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mister Toad (1949)

This was one of my childhood favourites that unfortunately was lent to a friend and never got returned. Bing Crosby’s haunting rendition of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow is cinematic gold, whilst Basil Rathbone’s Toad of Toad Hall is rollicking good fun. A fabulous double bill.

36. Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Let’s be honest, there are a few Disney films that really only girls can appreciate to the fullest. Oh, and effeminate younger brothers of course. As in touch as I am with my feminine side, I have never really been able to see the full appeal of Sleeping Beauty. Yes, Maleficent is one of the finest Disney villains, and there’s some iconic tunes… It’s just a bit… Well… Girly…

35. Tangled (2010)

Tangled, for the most part, rocked my socks. The first half hour left me worried that this would be forgettable trite, and when Alan Menkin’s name appeared in the credits, I was shocked to the core that such a genius could have produced such dreary tunes. However, after the appearance of anti-hero Flynn, the film really picks up pace, and the ending is quite touching. It’s not the best (hence stepping in at number thirty five), but it’s quite lovely. And Mandy Moore makes a delicious princess.

34. Make Mine Music (1946)

Another compilation film, but with a lot of good going for it. Make Mine Music starts off with some relatively mundane shorts before really hitting its stride with ()’s legendary Peter and the Wolf, followed by another Andrews Sisters classic about a fedora who falls in love with a blue bonnet, before finishing off with the absolutely outstanding The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met, truly one of the studio’s finest short films. As mentioned before, had these last three pieces been preceded by the opening numbers of Melody Time, a real great would have been produced.

33. Bambi (1942)

Okay. I’m going to be honest.

I don’t particularly like Bambi.

I get it. Cultural importance, Disney’s favourite film, yaddy yadda. I just find it a bit, well, dull. That said, I couldn’t bring myself to place such an important film any lower on the list. Ho hum.

32. The Rescuers (1977)

The Rescuers, in my eyes, was a good movie that paved the way for a much more enjoyable sequel. There’s some classic characters; Wilbur the albatross, voiced by the late great Buddy Hackett, the terrifying alligators Brutus and Nero, and of course, the legendary Evenrude the dragonfly. It’s scary, touching, and beautifully dark. And should not, under ANY circumstances, be confused with the Rescue Rangers!

31. Pocahontas (1995)

Pocahontas boasted a beautiful score and stunning animation, but unfortunately didn’t quite work as a family film. There’s romance, adventure, and a spattering of comedy from animal sidekicks Meeko and Flit, but following The Lion King was always going to be a tough call. The conflict between evil Governor Ratcliffe and the natives, however, is done with aplomb, and the film’s inevitable ending is very powerful. It also introduced a generation of kids to a true legend.

So there’s the last few not to make the top thirty. Tune in next week for numbers thirty to twenty one!

A Nasty Double Bill

So today, I had planned to bring you part two of the Great Disney Countdown, and indeed, it is sitting complete on my hard drive right now. But, know what? I’ve been having some fun indulging my polar passion this week, and watching some of the latest “video nasties” from around the globe. So, without much ado, prepare for some utterly shocking behaviour…

I Spit on Your Grave

Steven R. Monroe, 2010

2 Stars

When it comes to video nasties, Meir Zarchi’s 1978 shocker Day of the Woman is something of a classic. Not because it’s any good of course, but simply because it’s pretty darn horrendous in every way; a writer flees from the city after being gang-raped, finding solace in the peaceful countryside, only to find herself gang-raped again, for forty or so minutes of grimy and poorly shot gloom. Thereafter, she wanders around naked for the rest of the film, taking bloody revenge on the yokels, culminating in cutting off one of her attackers’ todger in a bathtub. It’s bloody awful, and of all the “classic” horror film that seem to be inevitably remade of late, this is probably the most unnecessary.

But yay. Remake.

The story is the same; writer, rape, revenge. And to be honest, it’s quite as dull as the original, but in a rather different way. For one thing, the attempted characterisation of the thugs during the first thirty minutes of film is quite tiresome, and I must admit, I found myself drifting in and out of caring up until the mandatory sexual assault. There’s some rather amusing menacing along the way; Chad Lindberg (Dave from the first season of Buffy) plays Matthew the Retard, and does a pretty good job of it too, with a bizarre mix of lust and guilt, especially during the lead-up to the infamous scene, whilst Jeff Branson is pretty good as head thug Johnny. And the gay chappy from Mean Girls is a hilariously strange casting choice as one of the group. But are they scary? No. Not really. And it takes Andrew Howard’s corrupt sheriff, whose character really doesn’t work at all, to actually crowbar some menace into proceedings.

The rape itself is pretty vile, though not in comparison to the gritty aplomb of the original, where it was performed with such painful believability, and to be frank, it’s just a bit old hat these days – the reason these films were so shocking in the 70s was ‘cause nobody had done it before… Ho hum…

Sarah Butler as the innocent victim does a good job with her role, and her revenge is harsh and justified. Death scenes are inspired, raising the film’s star rating from a single pointer, and the castration scene loses the laughableness of the original, delivering a truly nauseating chop.

All in all, it’s not one for the family, and a bit of a needless attempt to cash in on the reputation of its forefather, complete with anal rape by rifle. Hazah!

A Serbian Film

Srdjan Spasoevic, 2010

Somewhere between 0 and 5 Stars

It takes a great deal for a horror film to affect me these days. Having seen so very much trite over the last decade and a half of devouring the genre, I have become rather disaffected by the whole malarkey. As such, for a film to actually have a lasting physical and psychological impact on me… Well, it’s either got to be something utterly amazing, or the most depraved, disgusting material ever put to celluloid.

A Serbian Film is arguably both.

Following the tragic tale of a retired porn star in poverty stricken Serbia, this is a film that manages to explore the darkest boundaries of human sexual depravation. Suggesting that pornography should be a boundary pushing art form, one made to shock and inspire utmost controversy, budding film maker Sergej Trifunovic enlists our “hero”, a somehow touching Srdjan Todorovic, to take part in his new venture, promising that he will never have to work again upon completion of the picture.

Milos soon finds himself drugged, beaten and thrust into a world of paedophilia, necrophilia, and “newborn porn” before ultimately being tricked into anally raping his own son whilst his brother shags his unconscious wife. In a spate of drug-induced fury, he then proceeds to kill a man by thrusting his erect member into his eye socket.

Yes.

Seriously.

This is a real film.

Real life director Spasojevic argues this to be political allegory. Every other critic slates it as a mere “out to shock” endeavour. Either way, it certainly leaves you in a state of somekind… Personally, I was nauseated, disgusted, depressed and yet somehow impressed. Indeed, it’s difficult to place a rating on such a film; on one hand, it’s truly horrendous, but on the other, it’s cleverly made, thought provoking, and probably one of the most powerful movies you’ll ever have the displeasure to watch.

But should you watch it? I wouldn’t recommend it. But surely that’s recommendation enough.

But seriously, you probably shouldn’t.

A Royal Treat

The King’s Speech

Tom Hooper, 2010

5 Stars

Being in the far reaches of the world, one often misses out on some of the grander film releases. Indeed my largest gripe with being out here is that I have lost touch almost entirely with modern cinema. One film of late, that even Japan was unable to escape is the multi-Oscar winning historical drama The King’s Speech.

As regular readers will know, I’m not one for the Oscar winners… To be frank, of the last few years’ nominees and winners, there have been very few I’ve actually made the effort to watch. Most of them, in fact, I have sitting, still in their cellophane wrappings, on my shelves. I’m stubborn like that.

However, when a delightful parcel from Blighty arrived last week, containing not only season 2 of Glee and some delicious new Percy Pigs, but also this year’s biggest international blockbuster, I was rather intrigued.

The King’s Speech is the moving and heart-warming story of the unlikely King George VI and his Antipodean speech therapist Lionel Logue, told with an enrapturing passion and humour.

Colin Firth, finally, at long last (thank God, shuttup mother) garnering a Best Actor Oscar, truly gives a remarkable performance as the king, fluctuating between the broken, stuttering young man, and the frustrated, terrified royalty he would become. His relationship with his brother David (an oddly cast Guy Pierce) is wonderfully portrayed, and the contempt he holds towards the disgraced king is believable and understandable. Geoffrey Rush, a perpetual favourite of mine, is outstanding as the eccentric therapist, delivering witticisms and advice with fluid hilarity. Miss Bonham Carter also sheds her becoming-rather-annoying “oh, I’m so crazy! No, really, look at the hair; I’m metal” routine, and goes back to her Merchant Ivory roots to deliver a beautiful performance as the lady we all know as the Queen Mum. And Timothy Spall? As a seedy, greasy young Winston Churchill? Well yes. Oh yes.

And Karen from Outnumbered as the young Princess Margaret is as sublimely wonderful as ever.

The story never loses pace throughout, and as such kudos to David Seidler for a witty and well paced script, and one which delivers some truly powerful scenes, most notably the first meeting between the two characters, and the revelation in Westminster Abbey. Indeed, at two hours long, this film almost didn’t feel long enough, and I could happily have sat for at least another hour watching such a fantastic cast delivering a top-notch screenplay.

The King’s Speech really lives up to its reputation. If you haven’t seen it, get out there and buy it. I shall be recommending it to the students for this week’s movie club.

The Great Disney Countdown Part 1

I’m a Disney junkie. I’m not afraid to say it. Over the past twenty-five years, no other company has brought more joy to my life than that of Walt Disney’s Animation Studios.

And this week, I reached a milestone in my life; I have finally seen every one of Disney’s fifty “Animated Classics”, the theatrical releases that Disney proclaim part of their official animation canon. Starting in 1937 with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, right up to this year with their most recent venture Tangled, I have, for best and worst, seen and engorged myself upon their creative output.

And so, in celebration, I have decided to do my own personal countdown, rating them from top to bottom; best to worst. From fifty to the big Numero Uno.

Of course, before we go on, it should be noted exactly as to what a “Disney Classic” actually is. A “Classic” is a full length animated motion picture that is produced by The Walt Disney Animation Studios. It does not include any features made by other companies, but distributed by Disney (thus ruling out the likes of The Brave Little Toaster and The Wild), nor does it include Disney/Pixar films (Toy Story, et al). Also excluded are films made by DisneyToon Studios (A Goofy Movie, DuckTales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp, as well as most of the Disney sequels, excluding The Rescuers Down Under, The Three Caballeros and Fantasia 2000). These are the big ones.

So here’s the countdown, starting this week with numbers fifty to forty-one.

50. Chicken Little (2005)

Someone had to come in last, and unfortunately Zack Braff’s Little Hen that Could is easily the worst of the bunch. The first Disney Classic in 3D is also embarrassingly short, painfully unfunny and unfortunately lacking of a decent plotline. Notably, this was the first film made after Disney decided to stop making 2D animated features (a wise choice? Perhaps not…)

49. Dinosaur (2000)

The new century saw Disney attempting their own computer-generated world in the lack-lustre Dinosaur. Whilst the animation was impressive for the time, this simply lacked the charm of a Pixar movie, and the storyline was really, really boring. I’m sure my younger brother, a follower of the cult of Aladar, will argue with me, but CGI aside, Dinosaur just wasn’t very good.

48. Saludos Amigos (1942)

When the war came, and along with it the first animators’ strike, Disney found their budgets somewhat restrained, and thus set about making a series of compilation films, piecing together a number of shorts in order to tell a story of sorts. This, set in Brazil and featuring a series of rather uninteresting tales, was the first of them, and also, more importantly, the first of Disney’s war propaganda films (followed two years later by the much more memorable The Three Caballeros) intended to strengthen relations between the US and Latin America. Unfortunately, baring the introduction of the wisecracking Brazilian parrot Jose Carioca, and a quite fun bit about Gaucho Goofy, this is a film only the purists remember.

47. Brother Bear (2003)

Oh, Brother Bear… Perhaps the only thing notable about this yawn-worthy attempt to cash in on the success of its Native American predecessor Pocahontas is that it’s the only Disney movie that has ever managed to put me to sleep. It’s a nice enough story; Ice Age hunter dies, and gets reincarnated as a bear, only to discover that what was pray is perhaps more human than the man he once was. It’s just a bit naff.

46. Treasure Planet (2002)

Treasure Planet is a film that had promise. Treasure Island? Great book. In space? Well, yes, if you will. Unfortunately, as befalls the book, our central character, Jim, is a bit of a douche. The animation is alright. Not up to the standards of the early nineties boom, but alright nonetheless, and everyone’s favourite antihero, Long John Silver, is well portrayed. It’s just that “Beware the cyborg” doesn’t quite have as much ominousity as the traditional wooden leg.

45. Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)

I must admit, we had arguments over this one did me and me old mum. On first viewing, I really enjoyed it; my own fascination with the lost continent, coupled with a love for Michael J. Fox blind-sighted me to the shoddy animation and, most notably, lack of musical numbers. That said, it’s a fun romp, marred only by the fact that a lot of the film is sub-titled, rendering it rather troublesome for younger viewers.

44. Meet the Robinsons (2007)

I guess there’s nothing wrong with 2007’s Meet the Robinsons. Indeed, it’s not a bad film. It’s just forgettable. The Jetsons style approach to the future is obvious, and the ending can be seen from a mile off, even by the smallest family member. It’s not bad. But have you seen it? Probably not. And for a Disney film, that says enough.

43. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)

Another, somewhat better, wartime compilation picture is 1947’s Fun and Fancy Free, one which has become rather lost in the annuls of time. But despite that, having now cleared the chaff of mediocrity, we do find some cinematic gems in this charming little film. Firstly, there’s a live-action cameo with Mr. Disney himself in a delightful interview with his most famous creation, before everyone’s favourite rodent leads an expedition to the giant’s lair in the wonderful Mickey and the Beanstalk. It’s fun, and there’s certainly an air of fancy free-ness about it.

42. The Black Cauldron (1985)

The Black Cauldron is an odd one, and has, rightfully to a degree, disappeared into obscurity to a certain extent. Historically important as being the first Disney film to use CGI (not, as I once though The Great Mouse Detective, and certainly not Beauty and the Beast – a sore spot after a heated argument with a certain arrogant moo a few years ago now…), and also for being one of Tim Burton’s first major motion pictures. Unfortunately, its dark content caused audiences to turn away; after all, who wants to come out of a Disney film feeling shaken and depressed? Certainly not me folks!

41. Melody Time (1948)

I saw this for the first time this week, finally completing my viewing back-catalogue. It’s nice. Not as good as the earlier Make Mine Music, and certainly no Fantasia, but there are specks of gold dust in this forgotten classic, most notably the tale of Little Toot, a tug boat whose story is regaled by The Andrews Sisters, and the lovely Winter Story. Unfortunately, it’s let down by a rather lack-lustre second half, consisting of The Tale of Johnny Appleseed and Pecos Bill, narrated by Roy Rogers. Indeed, had the first half of this been spliced with the second half of Make Mine Music, allowing the other segments to be peacefully laid to rest, a fantastic film would have been created. Oh well.

So that’s numbers fifty to forty one… Next week, we’ll be starting to hit the real gold dust. Will your favourites be up there? What will be number one?? Will anyone really care???

There’s only one way to find out!

Bob Had Bitch Tits

Fight Club

David Fincher, 1999

5 Stars

I’ve never been one to follow a trend. Tell me to read a book, I’m probably not going to. Tell me a restaurant is great and I’ll find a million and one reasons to avoid checking it out.

As such, when it comes to a popular movie, chances are I’m going to take forever to watch it. The Hurt Locker, Sideways, The Big Lebowski, even ruddy Memento all sit, still in their cellophane wrapping, unwatched on my shelves.

There. I’ve admitted it.

And so, it took a great many years of one of my best friends bugging the hell out of me to watch David Fincher’s indie classic Fight Club. In fact, I think the first time I finally brought myself to watching it was my final year of university. So, going by that, I might just about come round to opening up The Hurt Locker sometime around 2020. If of course the rapture hasn’t got us by then.

In his beautiful illustration of the ultimate results of a lifetime in the IKEA-laced offices of nineties boredom and insomnia, David Fincher takes us on a roller-coaster ride through the realms of sanity, told through the words of the unknown Narrator of Chuck Palahniuk’s book of the same name.

Fight Club, as ingenious as it is first time round, however, is all the more intoxicating upon further viewings. Whereas in the initial viewing, one is enthralled by the fantastic mix of top notch directing and sublime storytelling, it takes a knowledge of the film’s final twist to truly appreciate the spectacular performances from the ever-unhinged Ed Norton and the tragic Helena Bonham Carter, both, quite frankly on the highest forms of their separate careers. Brad Pitt is also disturbingly believable as Norton’s dark half.

Dark, twisted, and in every way a fairy tale of the nineteen nineties, Fight Club is a shocking and powerful classic that gets better and better with every watch.

Mutant and Proud

X-Men First Class
Matthew Vaughn, 2011

4 Stars

This Monday found me, for the first time in a few years now, once again doing my legendary “I’m Going to See X-Men” dance, a dance that has, alas, on its last two outings brought nothing more than disappointment and heartbreak.

Damn you Last Stand.

Damn you Wolverine.

And so, with an acrid mix of utmost excitement and impending doom, I ventured with a fellow beardy into Chiba’s Keisei Rose Theatre for an evening of telepaths and teleporters. And did my dancing pay-off? By golly, gee whiz did it!

After losing momentum by the end of the hogwashy Last Stand, FOX took the brave decision to drop their superstar cast and take the X-Men franchise right back to its beginnings, telling the tale of just how Xavier’s School and Magneto’s Brotherhood came to be, set to the backdrop of the swinging sixties and thus, finally, bringing to the big screen those iconic yellow jumpsuits, as well as bucket-loads of continuity errors and all the fade-to-white death-scenes you could ever wish for! Hazah!

Beginning in the Nazi concentration camps (in a scene, if I’m not mistaken, taken straight from the opening of the first movie…), First Class follows the young Erik Lehnsherr, played with the perfect blend of sympathy and malice by Michael Fassbender, as he reaps vengeance across the globe (in a plethora of different languages, thus requiring me to dredge my old linguistic memory banks – the subs in these woods are all Japanese!) on the ex-Nazis who killed his friends and family. Meanwhile, living up the cushty student life are soon to be Professor Charles Xavier (a charming and oft hilarious James McAvoy) and his painfully beautiful, in human form at least, foster sister Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

Eventually, of course, the two find each other, recruited by the government to spearhead a new department of mutants under the watchful eye of Moira McTaggart (Rose Byrne), who has rather impressively not a single hint of the Scotch accent that she will have developed by X3.

An intriguing and delightfully fresh collection of mutants make up their new ensemble, from the well-known to the down right obscure.

Nicholas Hoult, who is not, to be quite blunt, one of my favouritest people in the world was surprisingly impressive as The Man Who Would Be Beast, giving a touching and yet amusing performance as the young Dr McCoy struggles with his demons within. Yeah, he’s no Kelsey Grammer, but at least he got some lines. Lucas Till and Caleb Landry Jones as the young Havok and Banshee respectively put in solid performances, whilst the stunning Zoe Kravitz was a sexy joy to watch as the winged stripper Angel (who will always be Pixie in my mind thankyouverymuch).

The Young Mutant of the Year Award, however, must go to Edi Gathegi as the disappointingly short-lived Darwin, who certainly had the most interesting power of the boys, and possibly one of the most touching scenes in the movie – spoilers avoided.

And the baddies? Hmm… Well…

As a long-time fan of Sebastian Shaw and his scantily-clad White Queen, I must say I had been rather unsure of the casting of Mr Kevin Bacon from the outset. Neither a dandy, nor a brick shit-house, Bacon also managed to lack the signature mutton chops that truly make Shaw the most dastardly of villains. That said, he did make a good baddie… Not a good Shaw exactly, but a good baddie nonetheless. January Jones as the so-very-sixties Frost, meanwhile, was both sexy and believable (and somehow much older in ’67 than when she escaped from Weapon X twenty years later in Origins…), although perhaps not quite cool enough… I dunno… I’m sure there are thousands out there ready to disagree, but she just didn’t quite cut it. Jason Flemyng (always a joy) rocked my socks as the crimson-skinned teleporter Azazel, father to Nightcrawler, and I can only hope that he gets a smidgeon more screen-time in the second class outing.

Truly a morality tale, First Class does a fantastic job of showing the meanings of good and evil, whilst at the same time blurring the area in between into all matter of shades of grey. The film’s examination into what it means to be “normal” is also touching and fresh as more physically estranged team members Beast, Mystique and Angel each do what they must to gain acceptance within their society. Indeed, First Class succeeds in this aspect where The Last Stand so epically failed before it. Well done scripty-team chaps!

As the final battle rages, and the Cuban Missile Crisis looks like it can only be solved by Charlie’s Angels and Demons, X-Men First Class delivers its real punches however, asking us to consider just who is “in the right”; is it Charles, with his ironically all-white ideals of peace and unity, or Erik, the murderous concentration camp escapee with his multi-race band of Latinos and redskins (literally)? It’s a toughy, but even as Erik and his Brotherhood leave the crippled Charles (wasn’t he up and about on his feet in Origins…?), one does struggle to choose sides…

That said, Magneto’s got all the pretty ladies. And Jason Flemyng. So, you know what Chuck? As Mr Jackman said (in possibly the greatest cameo in movie history), “Go fuck yourself”.

Whenever You're In Trouble, Won't You...

Stand By Me
Rob Reiner, 1986

5 Stars

Good films are magical things; an ability to make us laugh, or to make us cry, to make us remember the good ol’ days, or to really make us think about life itself are all hallmarks of a good film. It takes a truly great picture, however, to do all of the above, and indeed much more besides.

Having had a pretty shitty couple of weeks at work, I decided last night that I really needed a classic; something that despite making would weep like a small baby, would inevitably cheer me up no end. And so it was that I came to be wandering the tracks oft travelled with Rob Reiner’s classic Stand By Me.

Based on Stephen King’s The Body, (one of the Castle Rock stories, of which I have all but finished Needful Things, the final book in the series, and as such am now seeing characters from the earlier tales, such as this, in much different lights, knowing what horrific ends they are soon to come to…) Stand by Me is a real tour-de-force of a coming of age tale. The story is simple enough; four kids, all of whom are of the classic King disfunctionality, go looking for the missing body of one of their classmates, along the way dodging trains, getting swamped by leaches, almost shooting Keifer Sutherland and, in a beautifully un-nauseating way, discovering the true meaning of friendship.

What makes this such a classic however, is the true conviction of its young cast. It is a rare occasion that four child actors are thrown together, and not only can they act superbly, but they also meld so very well on screen that you really believe they are the very bestest friends in the world. Pre Star Trek Wil Wheaton is both touching and utterly believable as young Gordie, whilst Corey Feldman gives his ever-glistening loudmouth another spectacular outing and Jerry O’Connell (the one that no-one remembers… Went on to do Sliders…) is a joy to watch as neurotic “fat kid” Vern.

Of course, it’s the late River Phoenix who really steals the screen, however, as simply the most amazing best friend a kid could ever want. His portrayal as stalwart young Chris is utterly moving, and there are so many times throughout the movie when this old sap is moved to tears by his conviction. The final revelation is a real mover. Sigh.

Moving, nostalgic, and utterly beautiful, Stand By Me is a rare masterpiece of filmmaking.

Also, there’s that awesome song in it…

The Rite way to do an Exorcism

The Rite
Mikael Hafstrom, 2011

4 Stars

More than thirty years ago, an exorcism movie “based on a true story” rocked the world with its shocking portrayal of the degeneration of young Reagan, and its delightful subliminal images that flash behind your eyelids whilst in the shower for weeks after watching. In the years that have passed since this cinematic goliath, there have been numerous “true stories” of exorcisms (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Last Exorcism, blah, blah, blah), each one revolving around a young girl, and each one really quite lame.

And so came this Monday evening, when a beast of an earthquake sent Manami and I to the cinema in search of some cultural relief. Under my lady friend’s behest, I agreed somewhat tentatively to see Anthony Hopkins’ latest outing, The Rite, another exorcism tale based on a true story.

But, good golly, was I in for a surprise!

Telling the tale of young priest Michael Kovak, insecure in his faith (played by new face Colin O’Donoghue) who is sent to the Vatican in order to train as an exorcist, The Rite is immediately intriguing and thought provoking. Enter Hopkins, on fine form as experienced exorcist Father Lucas, and the scene is set for something special.

More an excursion into Christian mythology than a straight-out horror film, The Rite follows Lucas and Kovak as they track the demon Baal through various hosts, ending, as is given away by the trailer, with the possession of Lucas himself, during which Hopkins really gives his most deliciously evil portrayal of a character since Lecter. Throughout the course of the film, beliefs are questioned, and the essence of good and evil discussed in great detail.

A two hour long movie that led to a full night of philosophical discussions, this is a rare treat indeed, and certainly hits all of the “rite” buttons.

Ahahaha.

Not Suitable For Children

Child’s Play
(Tom Holland, 1988)

3.5 Stars

There’s a whole bunch of “classic” horror films that we’ve all seen through osmosis; whether just catching a couple of scenes during a late night Channel Five viewing, or through simple over-parody from any number of daft and often unfunny comedies.

When it comes to the iconic Chucky films, however, I’ve never quite been sure which ones I’ve actually seen. I remember certain scenes, and I seem to recall an increasingly drunken Bride of Chucky/Seed of Chucky marathon a couple of years back, if only for the ridiculously daft female and baby Chuckies. Looking at the original Child’s Play last night in the video store, however, I really couldn’t remember ever having seen it.

Turned out I had, but y’know… Whatever.

It’s easy to disregard Child’s Play as a piece of pulp horror trash, what with the ever-more “horror-comedy” sequels (see previous piece on the Nightmare on Elm Street films), but indeed watching it now (with dim recollections of the ol’ James Bulger controversy popping scarily into mind) it’s actually a pretty darn creepy, and impressively made film.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, or indeed those who don’t care, Child’s Play sees serial killer Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) brought back from the dead in the form of Good Guys doll Chucky, thereafter taking vengeance on those who brought about his death. It’s typical eighties schlock, but what really makes it stand out is the fantastic animatronics in Chucky’s already eerie doll, coupled with a fantastic child performance from Alex Vincent as Andy, Chucky’s unfortunate new owner. With Holland’s tongue-in-cheek direction, an ingenious partnership is created.

In the few decades since its release, Child’s Play, like its compatriots Halloween, Elm Street, Friday the 13th et al, has lost some of its edge simply through over-reference and over-parody. What with the remake slated for later this year, that magic will be diluted even moreso in years to come. But, nine times out of ten, what inspires a franchise, a remake, a reboot, etc, etc, is something great to begin with. Sure, it’s no Citizen Kane, but I sure know which one’s more fun to watch…

How Not to Make a Film About Dinosaurs...

Journey to the Centre of the Earth
(Eric Brevig, 2008)

2.5 Stars

Sometimes a film comes around that intrigues… Sometimes it’s a remake of an old favourite, sometimes it’s just a really good plot, and then occasionally it’s an adaptation of an old classic that you’ve loved for a long time. That unfortunately sucks.

Starring action favourite Brendan Fraser, last year’s could-have-been summer blockbuster, filled with frolics and japes of Lost-Worldly proportions.

Of course, when buying a movie about dinosaurs, one freakin’ well expects some ruddy dinosaurs.

Setting itself as some kind of bizarre sequel to Verne’s classic, Journey envisages that Verne was not a fiction writer, but in fact a historian, chronicling his real life adventures to the centre of the earth, under the sea, and all that jazz. It’s a novel idea, but is utterly let down by a boring execution, a rather inept cast (let’s face it, Fraser is only any good if playing opposite John Hannah – The Mummy 3 excluded, or swinging around in a loin cloth), and a SEVERE LACK OF DINOSAURS.

So, word to the wise; for those studio genii currently working on Jurassic Park IV, you can fudge it up as much as you like.

Just remember the sodding dinosaurs!

Miyazaki Triple Play

Growing up in the West, one finds oneself inundated with the mandatory offerings of such greats as Disney Studios and the once great, now utter garbage-worthy Nickelodeon. As such, with “Part of Your World” ringing in my English-friendly ears, I have always been rather biased in my choice of animated features.

But, having been here in JapLand for coming on two years now, I figured it was about time to drop the Englishness and investigate exactly what the Nihon answer to nineties nostalgia is all about.

So, with a set of subtitles and an open mind, this week we ventured into the works of legendary director Hayao Miyazaki, Japan’s answer to the late Walter D, and a fellow who loves dragons, dust bunnies and seems to have a rather disturbing affinity for young girls…

Fun times.


Tonari no Totoro
(My Neighbor Totoro)
(Hayao Miyazaki, 1988)

4 Stars

Probably Miyazaki’s most recognisable creation, this delightful little fairytale follows impetuous young girl Mei and her sister Satsuki as they struggle with lurking dust bunnies and an ailing mother. Along the way, they befriend giant fluffy monster Totoro and his bizarre and rather scary Cat Bus companion.

Though not the shiny happy fairy story that perhaps one would expect from an American studio, Totoro is certainly a sweet and moving tale, perfectly capturing the personalities of the young girls, both of whom really feel like real kids, whilst at the same time creating a lovely little world where cuddly beasts help us through our most difficult times. Quite frankly, I know I could’ve done with a Totoro through a lot of my childhood years.

The true wonder of Totoro, however, is not in its beautiful storytelling, but in the sheer spectacle of the animation itself. Whilst Disney studios at the time were experimenting with CGI and rather overstretching themselves with that oft-forgotten period that spawned such forgotten low-sellers as The Black Cauldron, Oliver and Company and the tragically under-rated The Great Mouse Detective, Miyazaki’s Gibli studios were concentrating on making simple yet startling back-drops on which poignantly drawn characters could play. The result is an animated feature that would not look out of place in cinemas even now; as clean-cut and shiny as the day of release.

A beautiful start to our threesome.

Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi
(Spirited Away)
(Hayao Miyazaki, 2001)

4.5 Stars

This is the big one, I guess… The one that made Miyazaki if not famous, at least somewhat well known in the West.

The one what Disney bought and then dubbed over.

Spirited Away is the wickedly enchanting tale of a young girl, Chihiro, who, whilst on a family vacation with her somewhat idiotic parents (who quite deservedly, in my opinion, get turned into pigs within the first ten minutes of the film), finds herself whisked up by an evil witch who steals her name (a recurring theme in Miyazaki it seems) and sets her to work in her magical bathhouse for the Gods.

It’s a bizarre tale, filled with some of the freakiest and most disturbing characters I think I’ve ever come across in a kids’ film (The Dark Crystal might be the exception), and at two hours long, it’s also quite an epic, especially when struggling to keep up with the ever-convoluting storyline.

But it’s worth it. Chihiro’s annoying petulance rapidly turns into a rather lovable heroicness, whilst the character arc for the initially terrifying “No-Face” is of touching ingenuity. And trying to figure out the shape-shifting Haku’s true intentions is an intriguing delight.

The Stink God also rocks my socks.

All in all, a truly epic adventure in Japanese fairytale, which really does live up to the hype. Just remember never to eat an old lady’s dinner…


Hauru no Ugoku Shiro
(Howl’s Moving Castle)
(Hayao Miyazaki, 2004)

4 Stars

The final trip down Miyazaki highway this week is the critically acclaimed Howl’s Moving Castle, based on Welsh writer Diana Wynn-Jones’ book of the same name.

Another story of a young girl lost in a magical land, this movie sees heroine Sophie bewitched by an evil hag (who for some reason subsequently becomes her grandmother…), turning her into an old woman. In her quest to break the spell, she meets a living scarecrow, a talking fire and falls in love with shape-shifting wizard. Oh, and there’s also one of the most adorable cartoon dogs ever illustrated.

I must admit, I did try watching the English dub a few years ago, whenst my then flatmate Sean was going through one of his many peculiarly idiosyncratic obsessions. At the time, I was not all too impressed, but watching it in its original format, one can truly understand the appeal.

Hollywood remakers should take note…

The one let-down, however, is something that seems to plague all of Miyazaki’s films; the too-quickly-over ending. In a two hour long animated feature, is there really any need to cram an ending into thirty seconds? Especially with all of the ridiculous long shots of crowds and boat and othersuch unnecessary gubbins.

That said, Howl’s is still an impressive feat of animation, fully worthy of all its praise.

A week well spent with Miyazaki-san.