The Great Disney Countdown Part 2

Ahoy hoy ladies and gents. So, after last week’s bottom ten, we start hitting so little cinematic gems… Nothing huge just yet… After all, we’ve not hit thirty just yet.

So, for you enjoyments, here’s numbers forty to thirty-one.

40. Bolt (2008)

A dog, brought up to believe he is a superhero, who is in fact simply the title character in his own TV series, finds himself powerless in the real world after his co-star, Miley Cyrus, is kidnapped. Bolt is a great concept and a pretty fun film. Indeed, of Disney’s brief sojourn in CGI, it’s by far the best. Does it measure up to the real classics though? Well, not really. But it’s still good fun.

39. Home on the Range (2004)

Home on the Range boasts one of the best opening numbers a Disney film has ever produced. There’s also a lot of fun to be had with the highly camp yodelling baddie. Unfortunately it’s just a bit too Chuck Jones to be considered real Disney. That said, it’s well worth a few chuckles, and has a stellar voice cast. Disney’s final 2D animation. Y’know, before they realised how stupid that idea was.

38. Tarzan (1999)

I guess the main problem Tarzan had is that it followed the golden age, and just didn’t live up to its predecessors. Following straight on from a series of nine absolutely top-notch films, Tarzan just didn’t make the grade. With a soundtrack by Phil Collins, rather than actual songs performed by the characters, it was a bit of an oddity. Good animation and likable characters, as well as the touching story of Tarzan’s primate family, make this nonetheless a good’un.

37. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mister Toad (1949)

This was one of my childhood favourites that unfortunately was lent to a friend and never got returned. Bing Crosby’s haunting rendition of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow is cinematic gold, whilst Basil Rathbone’s Toad of Toad Hall is rollicking good fun. A fabulous double bill.

36. Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Let’s be honest, there are a few Disney films that really only girls can appreciate to the fullest. Oh, and effeminate younger brothers of course. As in touch as I am with my feminine side, I have never really been able to see the full appeal of Sleeping Beauty. Yes, Maleficent is one of the finest Disney villains, and there’s some iconic tunes… It’s just a bit… Well… Girly…

35. Tangled (2010)

Tangled, for the most part, rocked my socks. The first half hour left me worried that this would be forgettable trite, and when Alan Menkin’s name appeared in the credits, I was shocked to the core that such a genius could have produced such dreary tunes. However, after the appearance of anti-hero Flynn, the film really picks up pace, and the ending is quite touching. It’s not the best (hence stepping in at number thirty five), but it’s quite lovely. And Mandy Moore makes a delicious princess.

34. Make Mine Music (1946)

Another compilation film, but with a lot of good going for it. Make Mine Music starts off with some relatively mundane shorts before really hitting its stride with ()’s legendary Peter and the Wolf, followed by another Andrews Sisters classic about a fedora who falls in love with a blue bonnet, before finishing off with the absolutely outstanding The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met, truly one of the studio’s finest short films. As mentioned before, had these last three pieces been preceded by the opening numbers of Melody Time, a real great would have been produced.

33. Bambi (1942)

Okay. I’m going to be honest.

I don’t particularly like Bambi.

I get it. Cultural importance, Disney’s favourite film, yaddy yadda. I just find it a bit, well, dull. That said, I couldn’t bring myself to place such an important film any lower on the list. Ho hum.

32. The Rescuers (1977)

The Rescuers, in my eyes, was a good movie that paved the way for a much more enjoyable sequel. There’s some classic characters; Wilbur the albatross, voiced by the late great Buddy Hackett, the terrifying alligators Brutus and Nero, and of course, the legendary Evenrude the dragonfly. It’s scary, touching, and beautifully dark. And should not, under ANY circumstances, be confused with the Rescue Rangers!

31. Pocahontas (1995)

Pocahontas boasted a beautiful score and stunning animation, but unfortunately didn’t quite work as a family film. There’s romance, adventure, and a spattering of comedy from animal sidekicks Meeko and Flit, but following The Lion King was always going to be a tough call. The conflict between evil Governor Ratcliffe and the natives, however, is done with aplomb, and the film’s inevitable ending is very powerful. It also introduced a generation of kids to a true legend.

So there’s the last few not to make the top thirty. Tune in next week for numbers thirty to twenty one!

A Nasty Double Bill

So today, I had planned to bring you part two of the Great Disney Countdown, and indeed, it is sitting complete on my hard drive right now. But, know what? I’ve been having some fun indulging my polar passion this week, and watching some of the latest “video nasties” from around the globe. So, without much ado, prepare for some utterly shocking behaviour…

I Spit on Your Grave

Steven R. Monroe, 2010

2 Stars

When it comes to video nasties, Meir Zarchi’s 1978 shocker Day of the Woman is something of a classic. Not because it’s any good of course, but simply because it’s pretty darn horrendous in every way; a writer flees from the city after being gang-raped, finding solace in the peaceful countryside, only to find herself gang-raped again, for forty or so minutes of grimy and poorly shot gloom. Thereafter, she wanders around naked for the rest of the film, taking bloody revenge on the yokels, culminating in cutting off one of her attackers’ todger in a bathtub. It’s bloody awful, and of all the “classic” horror film that seem to be inevitably remade of late, this is probably the most unnecessary.

But yay. Remake.

The story is the same; writer, rape, revenge. And to be honest, it’s quite as dull as the original, but in a rather different way. For one thing, the attempted characterisation of the thugs during the first thirty minutes of film is quite tiresome, and I must admit, I found myself drifting in and out of caring up until the mandatory sexual assault. There’s some rather amusing menacing along the way; Chad Lindberg (Dave from the first season of Buffy) plays Matthew the Retard, and does a pretty good job of it too, with a bizarre mix of lust and guilt, especially during the lead-up to the infamous scene, whilst Jeff Branson is pretty good as head thug Johnny. And the gay chappy from Mean Girls is a hilariously strange casting choice as one of the group. But are they scary? No. Not really. And it takes Andrew Howard’s corrupt sheriff, whose character really doesn’t work at all, to actually crowbar some menace into proceedings.

The rape itself is pretty vile, though not in comparison to the gritty aplomb of the original, where it was performed with such painful believability, and to be frank, it’s just a bit old hat these days – the reason these films were so shocking in the 70s was ‘cause nobody had done it before… Ho hum…

Sarah Butler as the innocent victim does a good job with her role, and her revenge is harsh and justified. Death scenes are inspired, raising the film’s star rating from a single pointer, and the castration scene loses the laughableness of the original, delivering a truly nauseating chop.

All in all, it’s not one for the family, and a bit of a needless attempt to cash in on the reputation of its forefather, complete with anal rape by rifle. Hazah!

A Serbian Film

Srdjan Spasoevic, 2010

Somewhere between 0 and 5 Stars

It takes a great deal for a horror film to affect me these days. Having seen so very much trite over the last decade and a half of devouring the genre, I have become rather disaffected by the whole malarkey. As such, for a film to actually have a lasting physical and psychological impact on me… Well, it’s either got to be something utterly amazing, or the most depraved, disgusting material ever put to celluloid.

A Serbian Film is arguably both.

Following the tragic tale of a retired porn star in poverty stricken Serbia, this is a film that manages to explore the darkest boundaries of human sexual depravation. Suggesting that pornography should be a boundary pushing art form, one made to shock and inspire utmost controversy, budding film maker Sergej Trifunovic enlists our “hero”, a somehow touching Srdjan Todorovic, to take part in his new venture, promising that he will never have to work again upon completion of the picture.

Milos soon finds himself drugged, beaten and thrust into a world of paedophilia, necrophilia, and “newborn porn” before ultimately being tricked into anally raping his own son whilst his brother shags his unconscious wife. In a spate of drug-induced fury, he then proceeds to kill a man by thrusting his erect member into his eye socket.

Yes.

Seriously.

This is a real film.

Real life director Spasojevic argues this to be political allegory. Every other critic slates it as a mere “out to shock” endeavour. Either way, it certainly leaves you in a state of somekind… Personally, I was nauseated, disgusted, depressed and yet somehow impressed. Indeed, it’s difficult to place a rating on such a film; on one hand, it’s truly horrendous, but on the other, it’s cleverly made, thought provoking, and probably one of the most powerful movies you’ll ever have the displeasure to watch.

But should you watch it? I wouldn’t recommend it. But surely that’s recommendation enough.

But seriously, you probably shouldn’t.

A Royal Treat

The King’s Speech

Tom Hooper, 2010

5 Stars

Being in the far reaches of the world, one often misses out on some of the grander film releases. Indeed my largest gripe with being out here is that I have lost touch almost entirely with modern cinema. One film of late, that even Japan was unable to escape is the multi-Oscar winning historical drama The King’s Speech.

As regular readers will know, I’m not one for the Oscar winners… To be frank, of the last few years’ nominees and winners, there have been very few I’ve actually made the effort to watch. Most of them, in fact, I have sitting, still in their cellophane wrappings, on my shelves. I’m stubborn like that.

However, when a delightful parcel from Blighty arrived last week, containing not only season 2 of Glee and some delicious new Percy Pigs, but also this year’s biggest international blockbuster, I was rather intrigued.

The King’s Speech is the moving and heart-warming story of the unlikely King George VI and his Antipodean speech therapist Lionel Logue, told with an enrapturing passion and humour.

Colin Firth, finally, at long last (thank God, shuttup mother) garnering a Best Actor Oscar, truly gives a remarkable performance as the king, fluctuating between the broken, stuttering young man, and the frustrated, terrified royalty he would become. His relationship with his brother David (an oddly cast Guy Pierce) is wonderfully portrayed, and the contempt he holds towards the disgraced king is believable and understandable. Geoffrey Rush, a perpetual favourite of mine, is outstanding as the eccentric therapist, delivering witticisms and advice with fluid hilarity. Miss Bonham Carter also sheds her becoming-rather-annoying “oh, I’m so crazy! No, really, look at the hair; I’m metal” routine, and goes back to her Merchant Ivory roots to deliver a beautiful performance as the lady we all know as the Queen Mum. And Timothy Spall? As a seedy, greasy young Winston Churchill? Well yes. Oh yes.

And Karen from Outnumbered as the young Princess Margaret is as sublimely wonderful as ever.

The story never loses pace throughout, and as such kudos to David Seidler for a witty and well paced script, and one which delivers some truly powerful scenes, most notably the first meeting between the two characters, and the revelation in Westminster Abbey. Indeed, at two hours long, this film almost didn’t feel long enough, and I could happily have sat for at least another hour watching such a fantastic cast delivering a top-notch screenplay.

The King’s Speech really lives up to its reputation. If you haven’t seen it, get out there and buy it. I shall be recommending it to the students for this week’s movie club.

The Great Disney Countdown Part 1

I’m a Disney junkie. I’m not afraid to say it. Over the past twenty-five years, no other company has brought more joy to my life than that of Walt Disney’s Animation Studios.

And this week, I reached a milestone in my life; I have finally seen every one of Disney’s fifty “Animated Classics”, the theatrical releases that Disney proclaim part of their official animation canon. Starting in 1937 with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, right up to this year with their most recent venture Tangled, I have, for best and worst, seen and engorged myself upon their creative output.

And so, in celebration, I have decided to do my own personal countdown, rating them from top to bottom; best to worst. From fifty to the big Numero Uno.

Of course, before we go on, it should be noted exactly as to what a “Disney Classic” actually is. A “Classic” is a full length animated motion picture that is produced by The Walt Disney Animation Studios. It does not include any features made by other companies, but distributed by Disney (thus ruling out the likes of The Brave Little Toaster and The Wild), nor does it include Disney/Pixar films (Toy Story, et al). Also excluded are films made by DisneyToon Studios (A Goofy Movie, DuckTales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp, as well as most of the Disney sequels, excluding The Rescuers Down Under, The Three Caballeros and Fantasia 2000). These are the big ones.

So here’s the countdown, starting this week with numbers fifty to forty-one.

50. Chicken Little (2005)

Someone had to come in last, and unfortunately Zack Braff’s Little Hen that Could is easily the worst of the bunch. The first Disney Classic in 3D is also embarrassingly short, painfully unfunny and unfortunately lacking of a decent plotline. Notably, this was the first film made after Disney decided to stop making 2D animated features (a wise choice? Perhaps not…)

49. Dinosaur (2000)

The new century saw Disney attempting their own computer-generated world in the lack-lustre Dinosaur. Whilst the animation was impressive for the time, this simply lacked the charm of a Pixar movie, and the storyline was really, really boring. I’m sure my younger brother, a follower of the cult of Aladar, will argue with me, but CGI aside, Dinosaur just wasn’t very good.

48. Saludos Amigos (1942)

When the war came, and along with it the first animators’ strike, Disney found their budgets somewhat restrained, and thus set about making a series of compilation films, piecing together a number of shorts in order to tell a story of sorts. This, set in Brazil and featuring a series of rather uninteresting tales, was the first of them, and also, more importantly, the first of Disney’s war propaganda films (followed two years later by the much more memorable The Three Caballeros) intended to strengthen relations between the US and Latin America. Unfortunately, baring the introduction of the wisecracking Brazilian parrot Jose Carioca, and a quite fun bit about Gaucho Goofy, this is a film only the purists remember.

47. Brother Bear (2003)

Oh, Brother Bear… Perhaps the only thing notable about this yawn-worthy attempt to cash in on the success of its Native American predecessor Pocahontas is that it’s the only Disney movie that has ever managed to put me to sleep. It’s a nice enough story; Ice Age hunter dies, and gets reincarnated as a bear, only to discover that what was pray is perhaps more human than the man he once was. It’s just a bit naff.

46. Treasure Planet (2002)

Treasure Planet is a film that had promise. Treasure Island? Great book. In space? Well, yes, if you will. Unfortunately, as befalls the book, our central character, Jim, is a bit of a douche. The animation is alright. Not up to the standards of the early nineties boom, but alright nonetheless, and everyone’s favourite antihero, Long John Silver, is well portrayed. It’s just that “Beware the cyborg” doesn’t quite have as much ominousity as the traditional wooden leg.

45. Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)

I must admit, we had arguments over this one did me and me old mum. On first viewing, I really enjoyed it; my own fascination with the lost continent, coupled with a love for Michael J. Fox blind-sighted me to the shoddy animation and, most notably, lack of musical numbers. That said, it’s a fun romp, marred only by the fact that a lot of the film is sub-titled, rendering it rather troublesome for younger viewers.

44. Meet the Robinsons (2007)

I guess there’s nothing wrong with 2007’s Meet the Robinsons. Indeed, it’s not a bad film. It’s just forgettable. The Jetsons style approach to the future is obvious, and the ending can be seen from a mile off, even by the smallest family member. It’s not bad. But have you seen it? Probably not. And for a Disney film, that says enough.

43. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)

Another, somewhat better, wartime compilation picture is 1947’s Fun and Fancy Free, one which has become rather lost in the annuls of time. But despite that, having now cleared the chaff of mediocrity, we do find some cinematic gems in this charming little film. Firstly, there’s a live-action cameo with Mr. Disney himself in a delightful interview with his most famous creation, before everyone’s favourite rodent leads an expedition to the giant’s lair in the wonderful Mickey and the Beanstalk. It’s fun, and there’s certainly an air of fancy free-ness about it.

42. The Black Cauldron (1985)

The Black Cauldron is an odd one, and has, rightfully to a degree, disappeared into obscurity to a certain extent. Historically important as being the first Disney film to use CGI (not, as I once though The Great Mouse Detective, and certainly not Beauty and the Beast – a sore spot after a heated argument with a certain arrogant moo a few years ago now…), and also for being one of Tim Burton’s first major motion pictures. Unfortunately, its dark content caused audiences to turn away; after all, who wants to come out of a Disney film feeling shaken and depressed? Certainly not me folks!

41. Melody Time (1948)

I saw this for the first time this week, finally completing my viewing back-catalogue. It’s nice. Not as good as the earlier Make Mine Music, and certainly no Fantasia, but there are specks of gold dust in this forgotten classic, most notably the tale of Little Toot, a tug boat whose story is regaled by The Andrews Sisters, and the lovely Winter Story. Unfortunately, it’s let down by a rather lack-lustre second half, consisting of The Tale of Johnny Appleseed and Pecos Bill, narrated by Roy Rogers. Indeed, had the first half of this been spliced with the second half of Make Mine Music, allowing the other segments to be peacefully laid to rest, a fantastic film would have been created. Oh well.

So that’s numbers fifty to forty one… Next week, we’ll be starting to hit the real gold dust. Will your favourites be up there? What will be number one?? Will anyone really care???

There’s only one way to find out!

Bob Had Bitch Tits

Fight Club

David Fincher, 1999

5 Stars

I’ve never been one to follow a trend. Tell me to read a book, I’m probably not going to. Tell me a restaurant is great and I’ll find a million and one reasons to avoid checking it out.

As such, when it comes to a popular movie, chances are I’m going to take forever to watch it. The Hurt Locker, Sideways, The Big Lebowski, even ruddy Memento all sit, still in their cellophane wrapping, unwatched on my shelves.

There. I’ve admitted it.

And so, it took a great many years of one of my best friends bugging the hell out of me to watch David Fincher’s indie classic Fight Club. In fact, I think the first time I finally brought myself to watching it was my final year of university. So, going by that, I might just about come round to opening up The Hurt Locker sometime around 2020. If of course the rapture hasn’t got us by then.

In his beautiful illustration of the ultimate results of a lifetime in the IKEA-laced offices of nineties boredom and insomnia, David Fincher takes us on a roller-coaster ride through the realms of sanity, told through the words of the unknown Narrator of Chuck Palahniuk’s book of the same name.

Fight Club, as ingenious as it is first time round, however, is all the more intoxicating upon further viewings. Whereas in the initial viewing, one is enthralled by the fantastic mix of top notch directing and sublime storytelling, it takes a knowledge of the film’s final twist to truly appreciate the spectacular performances from the ever-unhinged Ed Norton and the tragic Helena Bonham Carter, both, quite frankly on the highest forms of their separate careers. Brad Pitt is also disturbingly believable as Norton’s dark half.

Dark, twisted, and in every way a fairy tale of the nineteen nineties, Fight Club is a shocking and powerful classic that gets better and better with every watch.

Spinning the Wheel of Fortune

The Dead Zone

Stephen King, 1979

4.5 Stars

Whilst at the pub the other night, I met an aging musician. Tall, pot-bellied with long curly hair and a scraggly beard. Having been immersed this week in Stephen King’s intoxicating tale of precognition and apocalyptica, I thought for a while that I too was having a terrifying glimpse into the future.

Unfortunately the guy was a tiresome drunk, so I ruddy well hope not.

The Dead Zone, King’s fifth novel and the first in the Castle Rock saga, follows the tragic tale of Johnny Smith, a young teacher who awakens from a five year coma, only to discover that his high school sweetheart is now married with kids, his mother is a religious zealot and President Nixon wasn’t such a nice chap after all. Oh, and he can also see the future.

Adapting to his new life and the changed world around him, John quickly becomes the focus of media attention after predicting a house fire and thereafter uncovering the true identity of the Castle Rock Strangler, a bloodthirsty killer who has brought about a spate of deaths during the years of Johnny’s coma.

After shaking hands with a presidential candidate, however, Johnny has a terrifying vision of nuclear apocalypse, a prediction he must stop at all costs.

Ticking all of the mandatory King boxes; intriguing characters, fluid and entrancing story telling, as well as the ever-important religious debates, The Dead Zone also delivers something that has become something of a rarity in King’s later works; a satisfying ending. Rather than a daft loophole or wishy-washy uncertainty (see Desperation, Needful Things, IT, Cell, etc), Johnny’s final fate, as well as the circumstances surrounding them and the results thereof, feel both believable and gratifying.

Page-turning and thought-provoking, forget all the other “vintage” King; this one really is a classic.

Mutant and Proud

X-Men First Class
Matthew Vaughn, 2011

4 Stars

This Monday found me, for the first time in a few years now, once again doing my legendary “I’m Going to See X-Men” dance, a dance that has, alas, on its last two outings brought nothing more than disappointment and heartbreak.

Damn you Last Stand.

Damn you Wolverine.

And so, with an acrid mix of utmost excitement and impending doom, I ventured with a fellow beardy into Chiba’s Keisei Rose Theatre for an evening of telepaths and teleporters. And did my dancing pay-off? By golly, gee whiz did it!

After losing momentum by the end of the hogwashy Last Stand, FOX took the brave decision to drop their superstar cast and take the X-Men franchise right back to its beginnings, telling the tale of just how Xavier’s School and Magneto’s Brotherhood came to be, set to the backdrop of the swinging sixties and thus, finally, bringing to the big screen those iconic yellow jumpsuits, as well as bucket-loads of continuity errors and all the fade-to-white death-scenes you could ever wish for! Hazah!

Beginning in the Nazi concentration camps (in a scene, if I’m not mistaken, taken straight from the opening of the first movie…), First Class follows the young Erik Lehnsherr, played with the perfect blend of sympathy and malice by Michael Fassbender, as he reaps vengeance across the globe (in a plethora of different languages, thus requiring me to dredge my old linguistic memory banks – the subs in these woods are all Japanese!) on the ex-Nazis who killed his friends and family. Meanwhile, living up the cushty student life are soon to be Professor Charles Xavier (a charming and oft hilarious James McAvoy) and his painfully beautiful, in human form at least, foster sister Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

Eventually, of course, the two find each other, recruited by the government to spearhead a new department of mutants under the watchful eye of Moira McTaggart (Rose Byrne), who has rather impressively not a single hint of the Scotch accent that she will have developed by X3.

An intriguing and delightfully fresh collection of mutants make up their new ensemble, from the well-known to the down right obscure.

Nicholas Hoult, who is not, to be quite blunt, one of my favouritest people in the world was surprisingly impressive as The Man Who Would Be Beast, giving a touching and yet amusing performance as the young Dr McCoy struggles with his demons within. Yeah, he’s no Kelsey Grammer, but at least he got some lines. Lucas Till and Caleb Landry Jones as the young Havok and Banshee respectively put in solid performances, whilst the stunning Zoe Kravitz was a sexy joy to watch as the winged stripper Angel (who will always be Pixie in my mind thankyouverymuch).

The Young Mutant of the Year Award, however, must go to Edi Gathegi as the disappointingly short-lived Darwin, who certainly had the most interesting power of the boys, and possibly one of the most touching scenes in the movie – spoilers avoided.

And the baddies? Hmm… Well…

As a long-time fan of Sebastian Shaw and his scantily-clad White Queen, I must say I had been rather unsure of the casting of Mr Kevin Bacon from the outset. Neither a dandy, nor a brick shit-house, Bacon also managed to lack the signature mutton chops that truly make Shaw the most dastardly of villains. That said, he did make a good baddie… Not a good Shaw exactly, but a good baddie nonetheless. January Jones as the so-very-sixties Frost, meanwhile, was both sexy and believable (and somehow much older in ’67 than when she escaped from Weapon X twenty years later in Origins…), although perhaps not quite cool enough… I dunno… I’m sure there are thousands out there ready to disagree, but she just didn’t quite cut it. Jason Flemyng (always a joy) rocked my socks as the crimson-skinned teleporter Azazel, father to Nightcrawler, and I can only hope that he gets a smidgeon more screen-time in the second class outing.

Truly a morality tale, First Class does a fantastic job of showing the meanings of good and evil, whilst at the same time blurring the area in between into all matter of shades of grey. The film’s examination into what it means to be “normal” is also touching and fresh as more physically estranged team members Beast, Mystique and Angel each do what they must to gain acceptance within their society. Indeed, First Class succeeds in this aspect where The Last Stand so epically failed before it. Well done scripty-team chaps!

As the final battle rages, and the Cuban Missile Crisis looks like it can only be solved by Charlie’s Angels and Demons, X-Men First Class delivers its real punches however, asking us to consider just who is “in the right”; is it Charles, with his ironically all-white ideals of peace and unity, or Erik, the murderous concentration camp escapee with his multi-race band of Latinos and redskins (literally)? It’s a toughy, but even as Erik and his Brotherhood leave the crippled Charles (wasn’t he up and about on his feet in Origins…?), one does struggle to choose sides…

That said, Magneto’s got all the pretty ladies. And Jason Flemyng. So, you know what Chuck? As Mr Jackman said (in possibly the greatest cameo in movie history), “Go fuck yourself”.