Tarquin's Top Ten Premature Cancellations

Ahoy hoy chaps and chappettes! It’s been a while, but it’s Tarquin Time once again here at Silver Screen Lining. This week, we were going to look at the Top TV Commercials of the ‘90s, but, having got lost in some Strange over the last few days, I figured we’d spend some time looking at some of the casualties and fatalities of televisual past.

So, without further a-Jew, I give you Tarquin’s top ten TV shows that got axed before their time…

10. God, The Devil and Bob (2000)

Short-lived philosophical animation featuring the voices of French Stewart, Alan Cumming and James Garner as the three most important figures in Christian mythology. One of whom goes by the name Bob.

9. Scrubs Med School (2009-2010)

When it was first announced that Scrubs was to continue after Zack Braff’s departure, I had more than my fair share of doubts. I was however, pleasantly surprised by the well drawn characters and consistent comedy that still managed to emanate from Bill Lawrence’s award winning concept. But then, just as the story arcs began to get good, the show went on mid-season hiatus. And then didn’t come back. Like its forefather Spin City, Scrubs was doomed from the moment its lead player left the building.

8. Greg the Bunny (2002)

Puppets have always been a hit and miss concept, indeed, even The Muppet Show took years to find a producer, and the ill-fated sock-based sitcom Greg the Bunny unfortunately just couldn’t find the viewers. Cuttingly funny, and delightfully crude, Greg paved the way for cult hit Avenue Q, but alas did little for Seth Green’s career…

7. Primeval (2007-2009)

A surprise smash hit when it started back in ‘07, even giving Doctor Who a run for its money, Primeval took a nose-dive when main player Douglas Henshall bowed out in the middle of season 3. His successor, Jason Fleyming, sucked, and by the end of the season it seemed that the plot had wandered off with the vast majority of viewers. There’s talk of a come-back next year, but maybe some things should stay buried…

6. Strange (2003)

Set to be Britain’s answer to Buffy, Strange told the tale of a disgraced priest who spends his life hunting demons. A great cast and entrancing writing couldn’t save one of the UK’s finest supernatural dramas from ever-changing time slots and a cut in BBC funding. Strange-ly, the BBC haven’t even released this classic on DVD yet, and the copy I have is from a very helpful chap I met via IMDB during my MA research.

5. The Sarah Silverman Program (2007-2010)

I have in the past gone into some detail as to why I love The Sarah Silverman Program so very much, and it was with deep regret that I learned of its cancellation after only three seasons. Too rich for most audiences and critics it would seem, Silverman’s biting humour will nonetheless continue as she steadily makes her way into the comedy hall of fame.

4. Kitchen Confidential (2005)

Based on Anthony Bourdain’s memoirs, Kitchen Confidential was a deliciously hilarious comedy that I believe simply went over most viewers’ heads; the kitchen situation was only funny to those who have worked in the industry, and the humour often too smart for many of those who do. Axed after only three episodes were aired, a deluxe DVD of all thirteen shows that were shot is one of my prized rarities.

3. Pushing Daisies (2007-2009)

The first of Bryan Fuller’s wonderful creations to hit the list is the Technicolor marvel of imagination that is musical fairytale detective drama Pushing Daisies. Funny, touching and infuriatingly addictive, this, like everything else Fuller has ever created, was pulled after just two seasons.

2. Dead Like Me (2003-2004)

Another of Bryan Fuller’s ill-fated productions is the deliciously bitter Dead Like Me, a show that centres on a group of grim reapers as they go about their daily lives. Despite the occasionally dull story arcs involving the deceased lead George’s family, Dead Like Me was a consistently funny and thought=provoking show that really managed to give you the funnier side of death.

1. Firefly (2005)

Of all the shows that have been ripped prematurely from our screens, Joss Whedon’s too-cinematic-for-television masterpiece, Firefly, is undoubtedly the most tragic. The concept, cowboys in space, is ingenious, and delivered with such aplomb by the exquisite cast and top-notch writers that one would have expected this to have run for years. Unfortunately, FOX, being the great minds that they are, messed around with viewing schedules, ran episodes in the wrong order, and all about acted like douchebags. Taken from us long before its time, Firefly truly was a leaf on the wind that we never saw soar.

Tarquin's Comedy Heroes

Well hello fair viewers. After a brief absence, I’m back with a vengeance; your mustalid tour guide of television past and present. So, this week, to get myself out of my misery, I have been contemplating those folk who never fail to make us laugh. Buckle up kiddies, it’s time for Tarquin’s comedy legends!


10. Mork From Ork (Mork and Mindy/Happy Days)

In at number ten is an old classic. The role that made Robin Williams’ career remains to this day some of his finest work. Before he got complacent and old, Williams brought to hyper-active life the child-minded Mork, exploding onto the screen with his crazy misadventures.


9. Reginald the Koala (American Dad!)

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlen has given us som of the greatest comedy moments of the last few years, and through some truly fine characters. But for me, the pinnacle has to be the “cute as a button” hobo-turned-koala-turned-FBI operative Reginald. Smooth-talking and smart-mouthed, Reginald is a cameo role that leaves you longing for more.

8. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar (That Mitchell and Webb Look)

An alcoholic tramp convinced he is a Victorian detective, sworn to save the world from the clutches of his Nemesis, Sir Digby is the highlight of the delightful That Mitchell and Webb Look. Partnered with the equally inebriated Ginger, Sir Digby is a true gentleman thief.

7. Judge Fudge (Drawn Together/The Judge Fudge Power Hour)

What could be more appealing than a 70s crime fighting judge, made entirely of fudge? Whether tempted by a bevy of busty black booty, or staking out some drug ring, the Judge is always happy to help, unless of course he’s too busy… Being delicious.

6. Stouffer (The Harry Hill Show)

It’s often puzzled me exactly where Harry Hill found the blue plastic cat puppet that would soon after become Hill’s hilarious partner in crime (“that’s right Stouffer, you help”). With his allegedly psychic abilities, and nine lives spanning history, Stouffer has unfortunately somewhat retired since Hill’s move to ITV, but hopefully he shall continue to star in Hill’s annual stage shows.

5. Bob Bobertson (The Everyday Happenings of Wobbl and Bob)

Having starred alongside his inimitable best friend Weebl in many an internet cartoon, the hard done by young genius Bob Bobertson soon found himself on MTV’s Wobbl and Bob (“Weebl” obviously being a trademark of the Fisher Price corporation). With his handy tips on life, and an addiction to pie, Bob continues his legacy at Weebls-stuff.com, so check it out.

4. Salem Saberhagen (Sabrina the Teenage Witch)

“Thank god it’s Fridya!” – a phrase that punctuated my teenage years. Salem is a true work of brilliance; from his early days as a glorified sock puppet, to his later incarnation as a fully animatronic cat, world-wanting warlock turned four-legged feline Salem Saberhagen was brought to life by the hilarious Nick Bakay and truly made the otherwise often rather lame Sabrina worth watching. Especially past season 4.


3. Douglas Reynholme (The IT Crowd)

Once again Matt Berry’s name graces the pages of Silver Screen Lining, this time as the boss… Indeed your boss at The IT Crowd’s Reynholme Industries. Sex crazed and completely oblivious to the world around him, Douglas replaced his father Denholme (Chris Morris) at the beginning of season two, bringing a fresh and classical Berry flavour to what is possibly the finest sitcom of British TV right now.

2. Bernard Black (Black Books)

Graham Lineham has, over the past decade or so, created some of the finest comedy to hit the UK screens; Father Ted, The IT Crowd, and of course, the intoxicating Black Books, starring the inimitable Dylan Moran as alcoholic, chain-smoking book vendor Bernard Black. With his short temper and morose outlook on life, Bernard remains to this day a real inspiration for this embittered critic. Unfortunately my hard done by associate is now 10,000 miles away, so this Bernard is very much in need of a new Manny.

1. Dean Learner (Garth Merenghi’s Dark Place/Man to Man with Dean Learner)

Club owner, restauranteur and publisher of high class gentlemen’s magazines, Dean Learner, though not an actor, is an inspiration to modern man. Sharp-suited and cigar smoking, Dean brings class to any establishment, for what says class better than dimmer switches, ankle bracelets and wet wipes. What? You don’t do wet wipes? The fuck you don’t do wet wipes. Benders.

Tarquin's TV Top Ten - TV Pigs

Oy oy saveloys, Tarkers back again for another adventure into TV past! This week, we're looking at a subject very dear to my heart; TV pigs. So join me now as we celebrate pigs of all sizes and many a genre in another trip down memory lane...

10. Huxley Pig (Huxley Pig, 1989-1990)

With his overactive imagination and cute as a button antics, Huxley and his stop-motion friends Horace the Hamster, Sydney the Snake and Vile Vernon had children throughout the eighties asking that famous question, "Who you gonna be today Huxley Pig? (Oink, Oink)".

9. Miss Piggy

(The Muppet Show, 1976-1981/Muppets Tonight, 1996-1998)

Though it may surprise some for the porcine sex symbol that is Miss Piggy to be so low down in the list, Piggy really shines out in her movie work; the stylish and sexy Benjamina Gunn in Muppet Treasure Island; the tragic Mrs. Cratchett in A Muppet Christmas Carol, and of course her beautiful self in The Muppet Movie and is sequels. With her narcissan egomania and pitch-perfect singing voice, few lady pigs will ever compare to Miss Piggy.

8. Mr. Gordo (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, 1997-2003)

Few pigs can lay claim to preventing an apocalypse, let alone the seven or eight that the golden-haired wonder woman Buffy came up against. Sure, most would rate Xander, Willow and Giles as the most invaluable of her allies, but let’s face it, what is a hero without their childhood cuddly toy? Nothing, that’s what. Fact. All hail Mr. Gordo, the world’s greatest stuffed pig.

7. Piggley Winks (Jakers!, 2003-Present)

A few years ago, I applied for a job to work as script editor on Jakers! (made by the same company as the wonderful Clifford the Big Red Dog – RIP John Ritter), but alas did not get invited for interview. I was gutted, but nonetheless, I still love this adorable show, centring around charming Irish Grandfather Piggley Winks as he tells his grandson all about his childhood days on the farm. It’s all just so darned delightful.

6. Pinky (The Good Life, 1975-1978)

Felicity and Richard were most certainly the stars of this classic “simple life” sitcom, but for me, the few episodes telling of the exploits of lady pig Pinky will always stand out; when she escapes into Margo’s garden and eats the roses (oh Penelope Keith, what a grumpy face!) and of course when she gives birth to a brood of squealing piglings. TV gold.

5. Bebop (Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, 1987-1996)

Bumbling baddie sidekicks have always been a staple ingredient of any classic kids animation, and they certainly more inept than the porcine Bebop and his rhino companion Rocksteady. Muscular and meat-headed, Bebop and Rocksteady were The Shredder’s right hand men, but one often wondered just why an evil mastermind would keep around such a pair of dolts. Though to be fair, Shredder did work for a talking brain with arms…

4. Spanky Ham

(Drawn Together, 2004-2008)
Pigs are often associated with filth and flatulence, and none stand so true to the stereotype as animated reality show Drawn Together’s Spanky Ham. Foul-mouthed and utterly un-PC, Spanky represents the “so bad you shouldn’t laugh but can’t help it” comedy that circulates the internet on a daily basis. And boy does he do it with aplomb.

3. Cornfed Pig (Duckman, 1994-1997)

Cornfed could quite easily be the best detective this world, or indeed any other, has ever seen. Unfortunately, for reasons unknown perhaps even to himself, he finds that he is inextricably bound to the haphazard Duckman. His sardonic and often self-deprecating humour, coupled with his perpetually monotone delivery, make Cornfed one of the greatest comedy creations of the nineties.

2. Pumbaa (Timon and Pumbaa, 1995-1998)

Okay, so this one is a little bit of a cheat, but “technically”, Pumbaa can still be classed as a TV pig, since in the rather-inferior-to-the-lion-king-movies TV series Timon and Pumbaa, he was still voiced by Ernie Sabella, and thus the same pig we knew and loved in the movies. Look, I don’t have to justify it to you! Pumbaa’s freakin’ awesome; deal with it. And if you can’t well pooh to you!

1. Pigby

(Pushing Daisies, 2007-2009)

Though he only featured in the all too brief second season of the ill-fated Pushing Daisies (when will Brian Fuller catch a break???), Pigby was the true star of the show. Named after the Pie Maker’s dog; “You call a dog Digby, so why not call a pig Pigby?”, Pigby brought a shiny resonance to the show with his piggly antics. Also, seeing Kristen Chenoweth dressed as a nun hunting for truffles with a piebald pig was quite simply gold-dust. Congratulations Pigby, I shall indubitably be naming my future piglet in your honour.

Tarquin's TV Top Ten - Disney TV Shows

Ahoy hoy! Tarquin the TV otter here. Each week I shall be taking you, dear readers into the dark and wonderful past that is TV years gone by, offering y'all my unique look on televisual days gone by. This week's voyage into nostalgia is a topis I hold most dear to my heart; the TV world of Walt Disney. Known foremostly for their work on the big screen, the Disney Corporation have also produced some of the finest family programming of the last thirty years. So, without further ado, I give you the run down...

10. Talespin (1990-1991)

An often forgotten little gem that featured the cast of The Jungle Book as the residents of a sleepy Caribbean island, with Baloo flying a delivery plane lovingly named the Sea Duck alongside his trusty young bear companion.

With King Louie running a cocktail bar, and Shere Khan the megalomaniac owner of a multinational corporation, this show not only featured one of the greatest theme tunes of all time, but some delightfully satirical storylines. It also happens to be one of the few Disney shows to have had an episode banned for promoting terrorism. So everybody wins!

9. Hannah Montana (2006-2010)

A questionable choice some may say, but this delightfully twee “best of both worlds” show is actually, under the saccharine surface, pretty good fun.

It’s a story everyone knows, I’m sure; Miley Cyrus plays Miley Stewart (see what they did there) Daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus… I mean Stewart… who is by day an average teenager, but by night peroxide pop sensation Hannah Montana.

The concept in itself is as trite as Hannah’s hideously teeny-bop songs, but what makes the show curiously watchable is the acting talents of its young stars. Not Cyrus herself, obviously, but her young confidantes are all filled with pep and some surprisingly sharp comic timing. And Billy Ray… Well, it’s a performance just as hilarious as his stint on Dancing With The Stars.

8. Fillmore! (2003-2004)

Another show that rather disappeared into obscurity was this deliciously cutting detective noir animation that took place in the hallways of X Middle School. Indeed, with the cancellation of Disney Club and its offspring, I’m not sure the show even made its way to terrestrial screens.

The premise is nothing short of genius; juvenile delinquents Cornelius Fillmore and Ingrid Third are set to work as undercover operatives for the school’s safety patrol programme, taking down crime such as chalk theft and water bombing whilst juggling their own academic curricula. Cutting wit and gorgeous animation seemed lost on audiences though, and the show was prematurely axed after just one season.

7. Ducktales (1987-1990)

Life was indeed like a hurricane in the bustling duck-opolis of Duckberg, home to the multimillionaire Scrooge McDuck and his unlikely wards Huey, Dewey and Louie.

Always off on bird-brained treasure hunts alongside their plethora of stalwart chums (well, employees to be technical about it, though to I doubt any of them ever signed a health and safety form), Ducktales introduced us to a host of memorable characters, most notably the accident-prone Launchpad McQuack (who shall be resurfacing later), the crackpot inventor Gyro Gearloose, and of course the cyborg superhero Gizmoduck.

It may seem surprising that this classic didn’t rate higher in the top ten, especially since it maintains the record for one of Disney’s longest running animated TV series, but quite frankly, as good as it was, there’s been better. And most of them don’t have annoying ducklings perpetually getting into ridiculous scrapes involving lucky dimes.

6. Chip ‘N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers (1989-1990)

One thing that riles me up something rotten, possibly more than an evening with Michael McKintyre, is the confusion that the general populous seems to have when it comes to the Rescue Rangers. They are NOT the pairing of Eva Gabor and ... who not only saved young Penny from a crazy lady with crocodiles before returning twenty years later, not having aged one day, to rescue young Cody and his golden eagle companion from the clutches of an evil poacher. Nor are they a trio of singing chipmunks who need to be shot.

They are however Disney’s old favourites Chip and Dale, coupled with cheese loving Monterey Jack and sexy brainiac Gadget. Oh, and Zipper the bluebottle. It’s not difficult kiddies. Interestingly, however, the original pitch did not utilise Chip and Dale, rather (if I remember correctly) a squirrel and a lizard. The execs decided, probably for the best, that some familiar faces would be more appealing.

Rescue Rangers was a great show to say the least. Whether riding around in a roller-skate car, or fighting off robot cats, Chip and Dale always managed to create original and compelling storylines, along with one of Disney’s finest villains; the corpulent Fat Cat. So remember, sometimes some crimes go slipping through the cracks, but these two gumshoes are picking up the slack. Fact.

5. Dinosaurs (1991-1994)

Suburban middle American family life has been the subject of many a sitcom, and when it comes to the perfect presentation of the working man and his loving tribe, the Sinclairs certainly laid the nest egg.

Created in association with the Jim Henson Company, the prehistoric American world was brought to life through some state of the art puppeteering and animatronics, coupled with a sharp satirical tongue and some very mature themes considering the alleged target audience of the show.

Of course, the one thing that will always ring true for Dinosaurs is Baby Sinclair’s perpetual cry of “Not the Mama!”, though the series’ finale, in which extinction falls upon our heroes will forever strike a poignant note of the fragility of a seemingly stable lifestyle.

4. Bonkers (1993-1995)

After the runaway success of the live action/animation amalgamation that was Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Disney decided in the early nineties to commission a TV series with a similar concept. A human detective would be coupled with an animated side-kick to solve mysteries and murders in the larger than life Toon Town.

Unfortunately, the big-wigs refused to put up the collateral necessary for such a venture, and Bonkers was sent back to the drawing board. Keeping to the same script, the show was created, though this time entirely animated. Of course, the problem therein is that having a cartoon detective (human albeit) claiming to “hate toons” doesn’t quite pack the same punch.

That said, Bonkers was great fun, and it’s a shame that it seems to be long since forgotten by most viewers. Hilarious, weird, wired and in the same moment somehow touching, this was probably not a patch on the visual delight it could have been, but nonetheless does not deserve the obscurity it has attained.

3. Wizards of Waverly Place (2007-Present)

In the late nineties, the world fell in love with Sabrina. Of course, looking back, and having watched the complete series back-to-back recently, it’s actually quite hard to see why. Sure, Sabrina herself was perky and peppy, and Salem certainly made for worthwhile viewing, but on the whole, and especially during the last four seasons, Sabrina was somewhat lacklustre.

So now, with open arms, we welcome the Disney Channel’s cheeky little number Wizards of Waverly Place, a charmingly wicked hit amongst both tweeny-pop girls and this embittered critic.

Basic premise? The Russo family run a sandwich shop in downtown NY, and they just happen to be wizards. That’s about the crux of it. In a post-Potter world, it’s nothing original, but the performances of the kids (most notably the delightful Selina Gomez) partnered with a sardonic and yet family friendly script gives this show the much needed sparkle that our screens have been lusting for.

2. Darkwing Duck (1991-1992)

This legendary series’ place at the top stood in my eyes for many years. The Terror That Flaps in the Night was indeed one of my childhood heroes, and only a few years ago I donned a purple cape for a fancy dress night on the town.

Darkwing was one of two spin-offs from its predecessor Ducktales (the other being the rather sub-par Quack Pack) and featured Duckberg heroes Launchpad McQuack and Gizmoduck aiding our purple-clad protagonist.

Darkwing spent many dark and lonesome nights protecting the mean streets of Cape Canard from miscreants such as the ad-quoting Liquidator, washed up walrus actor Tuskerninni and the Holmesian deviant Moliarty before finally finding peace with his true love, the gothic Morgana Macawber.

Some of the finest characters in Disney history formed this heirloom of animation, which will have a generation of Disneyphiles crying “Let’s get dangerous” for many years to come.

1. Kim Possible (2002-2007)

Quite honestly, I could write an entire dissertation on KP. In fact, had I gone with my original proposal, The Teenage Cheerleading Superhero in Popular Culture, I probably would have done. So I shall try to keep in brief.

Kim Possible tells the tale of the eponymous heroine as she struggles with day-to-day high school life, whilst at the same time saving the world from her hap-hazard arch-nemesis Dr. Drakken on a twice-daily basis. Along the way, she is aided by her eventual beau, the clumsy but lovable Ron Stoppable and his pet naked mole rat Rufus (Ron’s father has a fur allergy…), along with the screen-bound whiz kid Wade Load.

Minor villains are, naturally, a nuisance, and the folks as Disney out-do themselves with some truly inspiring foes. We have Professor Monty Fisk (or “Monkey Fist” as he becomes known), who surgically removes his hands and feet, replacing them with those of a chimpanzee. Then there’s Duff Killigan, the world’s deadliest golfer, and of course the gorgeous but deadly Shego, the only one of the bunch with half a brain. And she’s supposedly the sidekick.

Kim Possible combines everything required for an epic kids’ TV show; action, adventure, romance, and rip-roaring hilarity, but never once talking down to its audience, thus creating a true masterpiece of family entertainment.

In Kim Possible, the Disney team live up to their own hero’s motto; they can indeed do anything.