Little Orphan Esther

Orphan
(Jaume Collet-Serra, 2009)

2 Stars

It’s funny how sometimes you don’t realise just how much you miss something until you have it served up to you on a surprise platter. Think, for example, that first Whippy of summer, when you find yourself thinking “jeez I’ve missed ice-cream.”

This evening I had a delightfully unexpected treat, and one that I really didn’t realise I’d been missing; watching a crappy horror movie with friends. For the two hour run of Jaume Collet-Serra’s Orphan (or Esther as it’s known round these parts of the world), I found myself transported back to university days of laughing though and second-guessing the latest schlock with my erstwhile flatmate Michael. The only thing missing was the hungry shriek of guinea pigs and the faint aroma of old milk.

Taking its cue from the recent explosion of Americanised Japanese remakes, Orphan has a very Asian feel to it; attempting to create atmosphere and depth through a typical family setting and slow, “creepy” narrative. There's no mass murderer here out for revenge (or is there...?) and no teens getting hacked apart, just simple, everyday life in its familiar serenity.

The story is simple; a rich family decide to take in an orphaned Russian girl (played nicely by the scary eye-browed Isabelle Furhman), whom they know absolutely nothing about (the film’s main MacGuffin, which quite frankly does little more than show the stupidity of the parents) and turns out to be just a little bit crazy in the head.

Unfortunately, it simply isn’t creepy enough, and the narrative plays out as disjointed and confused; in terms of storytelling, the film’s most shocking event happens far too early in proceedings, thus negating every “scary” occurrence thereafter. Had the script been shifted a little, and certain elements been kept more in the dark, this could have been a genuinely unsettling movie. Alas, it’s just a bit bland, with a twist that can be easily spotted by Canadians.

That said, it does have its strong points, most notably in the younger cast, and it’s certainly not the worst attempt at horror to have hit out screens (anyone else SUPER excited about Sharktopus???), I just feel there was an opportunity sorely missed here. Ie, the grandmother should have died. Painfully.