10 Things I Miss About You

Living in Japan isn’t always easy. That’s one of the main reasons I keep this blog; it grounds me, keeps me in touch with the me that sits somewhere in stasis, waiting to get back to the UK and do that fabled PhD in Film and TV before becoming a delightfully stuffy lecturer.

Funny thing is, I usually start a project like this and soon get bored. In fact, this is my third blog; the first one was started back when I was directing Return to the Forbidden Planet at university. The second was just after I arrived in Japan, and was supposed to be a journal of life in Japan. Problem was, simply detailing my thoughts didn’t do it for me. That’s how this malarkey came about. I decided to concentrate my writing on things I love; film and TV, obviously, as well as those wonderful chocolate snacks I love so well, and the bizarre wildlife that finds itself knocking at my door in this crazy country. Oh, and this crazy country in general.

And so, to celebrate 100 posts, I decided to look at the things I miss. The things I moan about, and bore most people to high hell therein. Naturally, the real top of the list is my friends and my family. You all know who you are, so I don’t need to list you here. But love to you all nonetheless.

No, here are the ten things that I miss on a daily basis; the ten things that really separate Japan, as a way of life, from my English roots. Some of them are obvious, and indeed most of them are food related, but these are the things that at least once a week, I find myself wishing I could give my right arm for…

10. Doorways

Japanese people are small. It’s a fact. As such, doors here are much lower than the two metres one comes to expect in British houses. Much, much lower. A train ride will often result in a mild concussion when entering or exiting the vehicle, whilst a midnight trip to the lavatory will usually result in you spending the rest of the night passed out on the bathroom floor. Doors either need to be taller, or crash helmets should be given free with every Gaijin card.

9. Baths

Bathing in Japan is a bizarre peculiarity. Tradition dictates that in the average Japanese household, a bath is run in the strange, small tub (approximately one metre in length), and then each member of the family takes a bath in the same water, starting with the father, then working through the rest of the family in order of seniority (note that in Japanese society, the mother is the least important member of the house, and therefore she takes her bath last, after EVERYONE else). This water is also often kept for days and thus reused a number of times.

Of course, this isn’t the issue for me. My issue is the metre-long excuse for a bathtub. I like baths, and quite frankly, if I want to relax, I want to be able to spread out when I do so. Being squashed up like a tied turkey is not my idea of R&R.

8. Individuality and Variety

For anyone who hasn’t actually been to Japan, it will come as a surprise that the Harajuku craziness and game-show zaniness is actually nothing like real life here. Everyday life in Japan is standardised; everything must be the same. People think what they are told to think, dress how society dictates, and act how everyone expects them to act. Cars here are uniformly black, silver or white, and kids read the same comics and listen to the same music as each and every one of their peers. There is no sense of rebellion or revolution here, and, when compared with the rainbow of different creeds, cultures and cliques of the West, life in Japan is, quite honestly, bloody boring at times.

7. Empire Magazine

I’ve been reading Empire for a fair few years now. As a film addict, it’s somewhat of a necessity. My monthly fix of what to expect from cinema over the next age is almost as vital to me as the films themselves. Often moreso. Some would argue “well why not just read the website?”. The answer is a simple case of tangibility. You can’t flick through a website and stumble across a gem. You can’t leaf through a website whilst taking your morning constitutional. Right now, I have next to no idea what’s going on in the film world, and as great as Empire Online is, and indeed the wonder of IMDB, they will never substitute for the real thing.

6. Being Able to Read

One of the most fundamental aspects of language is the ability to read; allowing you to know what you’re buying, to know where you’re going, or even to just know what the building you’re about to enter actually is. Unfortunately, Japanese does not share our “Romanji” alphabet. Indeed it does not have an alphabet. It has three. One of which consists of tens of thousands of symbols. At this point in time, I have mastered one of these systems. It’s better than nothing, and at least allows me to read menus, but nonetheless, I so very often find myself missing that instant, precognitive recognition that happens as you walk down a British street. And being able to find sugar without spending ten minutes deciphering each and every sign above the supermarket aisles.

5. Wine

It will probably come as some surprise to a lot of people that this isn’t higher up the list. I like wine. A lot. Sometimes too much. And these days, it ails me to find myself in a restaurant to be offered the choice of “red” or “white”, both of which will inevitably taste like old vinegar with a dash of grape juice. Coupled with a hot bath, a glass of wine is the key to my relaxation. It’s no wonder I’m so ruddy tense of late.

4. Marks and Spencer Simply Food

As the top two spots on this list clearly point out, I really miss food, and the one purveyor of fine dining that truly makes me salivate at every thought is M&S. Back in my Cardiff days, I would, on a weekly basis, spend a small fortune on silly flippancies that were, quite frankly, the best damn food that you can get from a high street shop. I miss the variety, the treats, and the amazing ready meals. And now I’m bloody hungry. Did I mention how sick of rice I am?

3. Idle Chit-Chat

An interesting factor of daily life, and indeed one that you really don’t notice until it’s gone, is the amount of information that you take in each day via osmosis. Be it the radio in the background, people nattering next to you on the bus, or simply the people you pass on the street, in a country of your native tongue, you cannot escape overhearing things. Take that away however, and you find yourself utterly seprated from the rest of the crowd; there’s no overhearing a joke in the pub, there’s no general niceties to your local shop-keep, and there’s none of that harmless flirting with the waitress. You’ll never realise how much you miss the simple ability to share a conversation until it’s taken away from you.

2. Cheese

When I was at school, I campaigned to make cheese one of the major food groups. I love cheese that much. As such, to find myself in a country that considers cheese to be either Kraft “Camembert”, or those hideous plastic slices, I am in somewhat of a quandary when it comes to comfort food. I miss cheddar; I miss Gouda, I miss Bavarian smoked. I’d even settle right now for some No Frills “cheese”. Cheese is a joy, and right now even a Baby Bel could bring a tear to my eye.

1. Sausages

Since I can remember, sausages have always been my favourite food. I fondly recall a holiday to Jersey when I was about five, when after the fourth night, the waitress at the hotel didn’t even bother to take my order. Back home, I could easily live off a different variety of sausage each day; whether it be Cumberland, pork and leek, or, one that rapidly took top position whilst working in Cardiff, Welsh Dragon. Sausages are robust and delicious in a plethora of different dishes.

And so, to be in a country where a “sausage” is either a gristly penis-like monstrosity or a half-assed American wiener, I am often utterly at a loss. What I would give for toad in the hole or sausage casserole. Or even just a couple of them between brown bread (something else that doesn’t exist here unless you want to pay about a fiver for four slices).

Speaking to fellow Englishmen, the sausage does indeed top most lists. The humble British sausage. The world needs to know of its greatness. Alas, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anytime soon… Guess I’ll just wait for two weeks of sausage fest at Christmas.

Wait that came out wrong…