Oh Say Can You See...

Uncle Sam

(William Lustig, 1997)

B-Rating: 1 Star

It’s been a while since we’ve had some B-movie fun, and after watching the sub-parliness that was Orphan a few days back, I was feeling the need for some purposefully bad horror. What with it no being Christmastime, my favourite of the genre, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman was out the window. A brief flick through IMDB, however, suggested this “classic” to me.

3 Stars on IMDB, a reanimated war vet dressed as Uncle Sam going on a murderous rampage, and Isaac Hayes as one of the main players set this up to be a treat. Alas, it fails horribly where true classics have triumphed; it takes itself seriously.

The key to a great B-movie is to know just how bad your material is, and relish in it. Unfortunately, Uncle Sam takes a terrible script, a bad cast and a ridiculous concept and really tries its best to be a great horror flick, laying on anti-war subtext and clichéd family values. Hazah.

Simply put, the makeup is too good, cinematography too artistic and what would be hilarious one-liners delivered with far too much conviction. Kind of imagine the third House movie. You know, in the unlikely event that you’ve seen it.

Guess now I’ll give Pinata Survival Island a go… Surely that’s got to be so bad it’s brilliant…

Little Orphan Esther

Orphan
(Jaume Collet-Serra, 2009)

2 Stars

It’s funny how sometimes you don’t realise just how much you miss something until you have it served up to you on a surprise platter. Think, for example, that first Whippy of summer, when you find yourself thinking “jeez I’ve missed ice-cream.”

This evening I had a delightfully unexpected treat, and one that I really didn’t realise I’d been missing; watching a crappy horror movie with friends. For the two hour run of Jaume Collet-Serra’s Orphan (or Esther as it’s known round these parts of the world), I found myself transported back to university days of laughing though and second-guessing the latest schlock with my erstwhile flatmate Michael. The only thing missing was the hungry shriek of guinea pigs and the faint aroma of old milk.

Taking its cue from the recent explosion of Americanised Japanese remakes, Orphan has a very Asian feel to it; attempting to create atmosphere and depth through a typical family setting and slow, “creepy” narrative. There's no mass murderer here out for revenge (or is there...?) and no teens getting hacked apart, just simple, everyday life in its familiar serenity.

The story is simple; a rich family decide to take in an orphaned Russian girl (played nicely by the scary eye-browed Isabelle Furhman), whom they know absolutely nothing about (the film’s main MacGuffin, which quite frankly does little more than show the stupidity of the parents) and turns out to be just a little bit crazy in the head.

Unfortunately, it simply isn’t creepy enough, and the narrative plays out as disjointed and confused; in terms of storytelling, the film’s most shocking event happens far too early in proceedings, thus negating every “scary” occurrence thereafter. Had the script been shifted a little, and certain elements been kept more in the dark, this could have been a genuinely unsettling movie. Alas, it’s just a bit bland, with a twist that can be easily spotted by Canadians.

That said, it does have its strong points, most notably in the younger cast, and it’s certainly not the worst attempt at horror to have hit out screens (anyone else SUPER excited about Sharktopus???), I just feel there was an opportunity sorely missed here. Ie, the grandmother should have died. Painfully.

Totally Outnumbered

Outnumbered
Season 3
(2010)

4 Stars

BBC comedy of late has been somewhat hit and miss. Indeed, for the most part, anything that has been on that delightful bastard child of the BEEB that is BBC3 is pretty much routinely awful.

One show that has continued to deliver top notch giggles over the last few years, however, is the charmingly under-rated semi-improvised piece of genius that is Outnumbered. Following the everyday happenings of a suburban English family, Outnumbered brings to the screen the surreal realism of life with three overly active kids.

Through the first two seasons of the show, we grew to love the exploits of the children; world weary teen Jake (Tyger Drew-Honey... One of the strangest names of all time), hyperactive Ben (Daniel Roche) and, by far the most enchanting of the three, ever-curious Karen, played with amazing poise by the tiny Ramona Marquez. Meanwhile, parents Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner do their best to stay sane in an increasingly crazed household.

I finally caught up with the third season of the show this weekend, having found myself at a loss for something to watch, and thence remembering that I was somewhat behind in my Britcoms. Thankfully, despite murmurs that this season had been something of a letdown, I found myself pleasantly delighted at every turn. True, now that the kids are starting to grow up, they have lost a few of their quirks, but the writers have adapted to this well, throwing Jake into his early teens brilliantly, as well as finding Ben a new talent in his chess playing. Even Karen, despite being a more grown up seven now, as opposed to the mere four when the show started, has become worldly and cynical, questioning politics and philosophy as only a child can.

One interesting aspect to this year’s run is that of continuity; as opposed to previous years, when each episode has stood as a standalone story, this year’s six-pack has seen a continuing story throughout, thus developing the characters more than the simple situation would normally allow. As such, the spiralling issue of Grandma’s gambling addiction is much more poignant, and the eventual admission of Jake’s lust for their nubile neighbour is painfully hilarious.

I’m not sure what the future holds for Outnumbered; perhaps in a few years, when the kids all reach their teens, some of the charm will be lost, but for now at least, this remains one of the finest comedies of British TV. May chaos continue to reign.

Evil is on the Rise

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog
(Joss Whedon, 2008)

5 Stars

Joss Whedon is something of a hero of mine. Probably the greatest writer/director working today, if not ever, Joss manages to excite me in ways that no other purveyor of televisual treats can ever do. Indeed, so excited was I about his forthcoming film The Cabin in the Woods, that I was plunged into a dark funk of depression upon discovering that it had found itself in the middle of a political war, and thus still pending release date. Grr.

Whedon first displayed his unique talent for the television musical back in 2003, when the cast of Buffy found themselves under the spell of a music making demon; a demon that caused my CD player to repeat itself over and over for the months that followed.

As such, I was overjoyed with excitement back when the ingenious Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog first aired online back in 2008, and, in much need of a Whedon fix a few days back, decided it was time once again to get singing along.

Dr. Horrible follows the exploits of the eponymous evil genius (played with musical aptitude by Neil Patrick Harris – How I Met Your Mother, Dougie Houser MD) as he fights his nemesis Captain Hammer (Whedon regular Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Serenity) on fine misogynistic form) and tries to win the heart of the lovely Penny (Felicia Day – Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Guild), whilst at the same time trying his darnedest to enter the ever watchful League of Evil, reigned over by the dastardly Bad Horse.

It’s fantastic fun, but what really makes Dr. Horrible a classic is the perfect combination of Whedon’s inimitable comedic tone, some fantastically memorable songs, and a cast that really throw themselves into the silliness full throttle.

Typically Whedonesque, Dr. Horrible is yet another cult classic from the crowned prince of quirky television.

Ass-ing Around

Donkey Punch

(Oliver Blackburn, 2008)

2.5 Stars

British horror. It’s an interesting sub-genre. Somehow, it’s one that either delivers a masterpiece, or churns out forgettable and daft trite. This weekend, inspired by a trip out on a friend’s boat into the delightful waters of the Japanese Inland Sea, I decided to revisit a film that, for some reason or another, I never got round to finishing the first time round.

Donkey Punch, named after a somewhat violent sexual act, is one of those movies that tried hard to thrive off a single concept and a daft name. Alas, for the most part, it manages to just be yet another “cabin in the woods” style slasher, albeit this time in the somewhat more original setting of a pleasure boat in the middle of the Med.

A cast of annoying and somewhat forgettable characters drive the simplistic story, as a weekend of fun turns sour after the death (through the titled sexy fun) of one of the group. Cue the inevitable claustrophobia and much needed screaming. And a couple of wonderfully fun deaths, including, perhaps more notably than the namesake, a chap getting killed by a flare gun. Good stuff.

Donkey Punch manages to capture the claustrophobia of the boat wonderfully, and also has some genuinely well shot sequences. Unfortunately, with little oomph to the storytelling, this mule falls at the first hurdle, and soon turns into yet another formulaic murder-fest.

One also feels a “don’t try this at home” warning should be issued. Although maybe that’s simply what the movie is…

10 Things I Miss About You

Living in Japan isn’t always easy. That’s one of the main reasons I keep this blog; it grounds me, keeps me in touch with the me that sits somewhere in stasis, waiting to get back to the UK and do that fabled PhD in Film and TV before becoming a delightfully stuffy lecturer.

Funny thing is, I usually start a project like this and soon get bored. In fact, this is my third blog; the first one was started back when I was directing Return to the Forbidden Planet at university. The second was just after I arrived in Japan, and was supposed to be a journal of life in Japan. Problem was, simply detailing my thoughts didn’t do it for me. That’s how this malarkey came about. I decided to concentrate my writing on things I love; film and TV, obviously, as well as those wonderful chocolate snacks I love so well, and the bizarre wildlife that finds itself knocking at my door in this crazy country. Oh, and this crazy country in general.

And so, to celebrate 100 posts, I decided to look at the things I miss. The things I moan about, and bore most people to high hell therein. Naturally, the real top of the list is my friends and my family. You all know who you are, so I don’t need to list you here. But love to you all nonetheless.

No, here are the ten things that I miss on a daily basis; the ten things that really separate Japan, as a way of life, from my English roots. Some of them are obvious, and indeed most of them are food related, but these are the things that at least once a week, I find myself wishing I could give my right arm for…

10. Doorways

Japanese people are small. It’s a fact. As such, doors here are much lower than the two metres one comes to expect in British houses. Much, much lower. A train ride will often result in a mild concussion when entering or exiting the vehicle, whilst a midnight trip to the lavatory will usually result in you spending the rest of the night passed out on the bathroom floor. Doors either need to be taller, or crash helmets should be given free with every Gaijin card.

9. Baths

Bathing in Japan is a bizarre peculiarity. Tradition dictates that in the average Japanese household, a bath is run in the strange, small tub (approximately one metre in length), and then each member of the family takes a bath in the same water, starting with the father, then working through the rest of the family in order of seniority (note that in Japanese society, the mother is the least important member of the house, and therefore she takes her bath last, after EVERYONE else). This water is also often kept for days and thus reused a number of times.

Of course, this isn’t the issue for me. My issue is the metre-long excuse for a bathtub. I like baths, and quite frankly, if I want to relax, I want to be able to spread out when I do so. Being squashed up like a tied turkey is not my idea of R&R.

8. Individuality and Variety

For anyone who hasn’t actually been to Japan, it will come as a surprise that the Harajuku craziness and game-show zaniness is actually nothing like real life here. Everyday life in Japan is standardised; everything must be the same. People think what they are told to think, dress how society dictates, and act how everyone expects them to act. Cars here are uniformly black, silver or white, and kids read the same comics and listen to the same music as each and every one of their peers. There is no sense of rebellion or revolution here, and, when compared with the rainbow of different creeds, cultures and cliques of the West, life in Japan is, quite honestly, bloody boring at times.

7. Empire Magazine

I’ve been reading Empire for a fair few years now. As a film addict, it’s somewhat of a necessity. My monthly fix of what to expect from cinema over the next age is almost as vital to me as the films themselves. Often moreso. Some would argue “well why not just read the website?”. The answer is a simple case of tangibility. You can’t flick through a website and stumble across a gem. You can’t leaf through a website whilst taking your morning constitutional. Right now, I have next to no idea what’s going on in the film world, and as great as Empire Online is, and indeed the wonder of IMDB, they will never substitute for the real thing.

6. Being Able to Read

One of the most fundamental aspects of language is the ability to read; allowing you to know what you’re buying, to know where you’re going, or even to just know what the building you’re about to enter actually is. Unfortunately, Japanese does not share our “Romanji” alphabet. Indeed it does not have an alphabet. It has three. One of which consists of tens of thousands of symbols. At this point in time, I have mastered one of these systems. It’s better than nothing, and at least allows me to read menus, but nonetheless, I so very often find myself missing that instant, precognitive recognition that happens as you walk down a British street. And being able to find sugar without spending ten minutes deciphering each and every sign above the supermarket aisles.

5. Wine

It will probably come as some surprise to a lot of people that this isn’t higher up the list. I like wine. A lot. Sometimes too much. And these days, it ails me to find myself in a restaurant to be offered the choice of “red” or “white”, both of which will inevitably taste like old vinegar with a dash of grape juice. Coupled with a hot bath, a glass of wine is the key to my relaxation. It’s no wonder I’m so ruddy tense of late.

4. Marks and Spencer Simply Food

As the top two spots on this list clearly point out, I really miss food, and the one purveyor of fine dining that truly makes me salivate at every thought is M&S. Back in my Cardiff days, I would, on a weekly basis, spend a small fortune on silly flippancies that were, quite frankly, the best damn food that you can get from a high street shop. I miss the variety, the treats, and the amazing ready meals. And now I’m bloody hungry. Did I mention how sick of rice I am?

3. Idle Chit-Chat

An interesting factor of daily life, and indeed one that you really don’t notice until it’s gone, is the amount of information that you take in each day via osmosis. Be it the radio in the background, people nattering next to you on the bus, or simply the people you pass on the street, in a country of your native tongue, you cannot escape overhearing things. Take that away however, and you find yourself utterly seprated from the rest of the crowd; there’s no overhearing a joke in the pub, there’s no general niceties to your local shop-keep, and there’s none of that harmless flirting with the waitress. You’ll never realise how much you miss the simple ability to share a conversation until it’s taken away from you.

2. Cheese

When I was at school, I campaigned to make cheese one of the major food groups. I love cheese that much. As such, to find myself in a country that considers cheese to be either Kraft “Camembert”, or those hideous plastic slices, I am in somewhat of a quandary when it comes to comfort food. I miss cheddar; I miss Gouda, I miss Bavarian smoked. I’d even settle right now for some No Frills “cheese”. Cheese is a joy, and right now even a Baby Bel could bring a tear to my eye.

1. Sausages

Since I can remember, sausages have always been my favourite food. I fondly recall a holiday to Jersey when I was about five, when after the fourth night, the waitress at the hotel didn’t even bother to take my order. Back home, I could easily live off a different variety of sausage each day; whether it be Cumberland, pork and leek, or, one that rapidly took top position whilst working in Cardiff, Welsh Dragon. Sausages are robust and delicious in a plethora of different dishes.

And so, to be in a country where a “sausage” is either a gristly penis-like monstrosity or a half-assed American wiener, I am often utterly at a loss. What I would give for toad in the hole or sausage casserole. Or even just a couple of them between brown bread (something else that doesn’t exist here unless you want to pay about a fiver for four slices).

Speaking to fellow Englishmen, the sausage does indeed top most lists. The humble British sausage. The world needs to know of its greatness. Alas, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anytime soon… Guess I’ll just wait for two weeks of sausage fest at Christmas.

Wait that came out wrong…

Beyond Infinity

Toy Story 3
(John Lasseter, 2010)

4.5 Stars

Sequels are tricky. Disney sequels are trickier. As such, sequels to the truly great Disney movies are perhaps the trickiest of tricksters. Pulling it off is a rare thing. Indeed, the only Disney sequels that really live up to their predecessors greatnesses are, in my opinion, The Rescuers Down Under and Simba’s Pride. Add to this ten years in development limbo, and things didn’t look all too hopeful for the third instalment of the adventures of the anthropomorphic toys of Andy’s bedroom. Nonetheless, when it was announced that Toy Story 3 would be hitting our screens this summer, I found myself salivating with anticipation.

Aside from being one of the most important films in animation history, Toy Story was also one of the most influential films in the Westgate household throughout the late nineties. As such, I found myself counting down the days until the new movie’s release, only to discover that, being in Japan, not only would I have to wait an extra month for it to arrive on the Nipponese shores, but I would also have to search high and low for somewhere that would be showing it in English. Crazy bloody Japan.

But it was worth the wait.

Toy Story 3 manages not only to pull on every nostalgic heartstring imaginable, but also takes the viewer on a hilarious and exciting romp as Woody, Buzz and the rest of the gang cope with Andy going to college and exactly what this means to their plastic existences. Hitting us full on with an action packed re-enactment of the opening sequence of the original, TS3 proceeds to take us on a roller-coaster ride of emotions, introducing us to a smorgasbord of new characters (most notably the diabolical Lotsa-Huggin Bear, voiced by the charming Ned Beatty and the adorably naïve Ken, brought to oblivious life by Michael Keaton) and even throwing in a few familiar faces for the keen-eyed observer (anyone else notice that the crazy garbage guy was Sid from the first movie?), eventually leading to one of the most tear-jerking endings to an animated feature I thing I have ever seen. Seriously, there were floods here.

Beautifully animated and perfectly paced, perhaps my only qualm with this outing is that a few of the characters’ motives and logics seem a little out of keeping with what we have seen in previous instalments. There’s also a little too much of the oft-annoying Jesse (Joan Cusack) for my liking.

Little grievances aside, Toy Story 3 is nonetheless one of the finest features to have come from Pixar studios. And that’s saying something. This time round, Lasseter really has taken us to infinity and beyond. Just make sure to have a box of tissues when the end credits come around.

What Dreams May Come

Inception
(Christopher Nolan, 2010)

4 Stars

As regular visitors to Silver Screen Lining will know, I’m not one for the blockbuster. Usually I will wait until the hype cools down and the film, as is so often the case with the modern movie, is for the most part forgotten. Being in Japan, however, means that my usual inundation of filmic information has been severely severed, leaving me in a twilight of ignorance as to what is actually going on in the world of cinema.

And so I came to hear of Inception, already slated to be “the best film ever made, ever”. My ever stalwart friends back home sending me ream after ream of cyber-optic telegrams insisting that I go see this film that not only had I no idea of the story, I had not even heard of.

I very rarely take in a movie blind; I usually scour Empire and IMDB for information, troll YouTube for trailers and research the working history of the main players. As such, Inception was something of a treat. What did I know? DiCaprio was in it; always a good start. And Ellen Page was in it; never a good thing. Oh, and it was by Christopher Nolan, the somewhat martyred director of the highly over-hyped The Dark Knight. That was about it.

Inception, DiCaprio tells us, is the art of implanting an idea into someone’s dream. Not an easy feat apparently, even in a world where infiltrating other peoples’ subconsciouses seems to be an everyday piece of espionage. DiCaprio, however, along with his team of reprobates takes up the challenge with gusto, giving us a truly enthralling and thought provoking piece of action.

Amidst the top-notch special effects and intricate story-telling, it is indeed the perfectly cast team that make this a truly memorable escapade. DiCaprio is, as ever, on fine form as master criminal Cobb, with Jason Gordon-Levitt (Third Rock From The Sun) showing that he has cast aside his childish days as Tommy Solomon, growing into a really fine leading man. Tom Hardy (BBC’s Oliver Twist) and Deelap Rao (Drag Me To Hell) are perfectly cast as the background members of the team, giving just the right touch of comic relief whilst at the same time supplying well-rounded and believable characters. Even Ellen Page (Juno, X-Men The Last Stand), who usually makes my eyes bleed with hatred, manages to be a little less than utterly infuriating. Oh, and Ken Watenabe? Well, he’s just fab.

After all the stigma that surrounded The Dark Knight, Nolan has delivered to audiences a film that really does deserve the publicity. Well-shot, engaging and memorable for all the right reasons, Inception is one of those rarities that may well stand the test of time. Well done Mister Nolan, well done indeed.

Indulging Curiosity

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
(David Fincher, 2008)

3.5 Stars

There are many occasions when a DVD sits, still in its packaging, upon my shelf for months and months without viewing. Sometimes it’s a random purchase that I didn’t really want, sometimes it’s a gift that, though with the best intentions, isn’t really my cup of tea. Sometimes, and indeed more often, however, it’s simply a case of a film that I’ve been wanting to watch for a long time, but just haven’t been in the right mood for. On that count, I will eventually get round to The Hurt Locker as well at some point.

And so to David Fincher’s Oscar magnet, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Naturally, I had heard a lot about this one, and as such avoided it like the plague for a good year before actually sitting down to watch it. Let the hype die down and all.

I must say that for a good half hour, I wasn’t overly sold. The screenplay, coupled with Fincher’s maudlin photography echoes Burton’s Big Fish, feeling somewhat old hat. Cue Brad Pitt, however, and the movie soon picks up, following Pitt as his life plays out in reverse.

Indeed, the concept is intriguing, but, as was pointed out by a likewise criticiser of the motion picture of whom I am blessed with acquaintance, had he not been living his life backwards, this would have been an utterly dull film; the story of his life is actually rather lacklustre, and the people he meets, baring the wonderful Jason Flemyng as Button’s father, are without the charm of the aforementioned Burton outing.

That said, it’s entertaining, and at times pulls on just the right heartstrings. At not far off three hours though, this is a life story that really could have done with a little more incident.

Are You Sure It's Plugged In...?

The IT Crowd
Season 4
(2010)

3 Stars

Graham Linehan is something of a champion of British sitcom; having delighted us over the last two decades with such brilliances as Father Ted, Black Books and The Fast Show, he has shown us his ongoing genius over the last few years in the top-notch sitcom The IT Crowd.

A fantastic cast and some of the wittiest surrealism imaginable came together in this comedy of errors set in the IT department of the mighty Renholm Industries, reigned over by the ever-awesome Matt Berry.

Unfortunately, after three years of being possibly the funniest show on British TV, it looks as if the crowd is starting to get clogged up with spam. Series four has, for the most part, been a crushing disappointment. Whereas former seasons have been generally reliable on the laugh front, spattered with ingenious plots and memorable one-liners, this year’s set of six has left this fan somewhat despondent.

True, there have been moments, notably the moment when geeky Moss (Richard Ayoade) gives his ethos “I came here to drink milk and kiss ass… And I’ve just finished my milk”, and the season finale’s Sexy Star Trek video, but generally each episode has failed to raise more than a couple of smirks.

The one exception is episode 4.04, which sees unlucky in love Roy (Chris O’Dowd) trying to work out exactly how his new girlfriend’s parents managed to perish in an aquarium fire, whilst ever hopeless Jen (Katherine Parkinson) tries to convince the board that she speaks Italian.

Despite the sketchy and overly episodic nature of this season, it has been nice to see the development of Moss’s character; having been nothing more than a running nerd gag (albeit a brilliant one) for the last three years, this season has seen Moss begin to grow into a more confident and believable character. Alas, he has been given far too little to do in many episodes.

I don’t know. Perhaps I put this show on too much of a pedal-stool, but it seems to have become a bit of a damp squid compared to its early days. Perhaps we need to try turning it off and on again.