A Delightful Little Strumpet

Strumpet

(Danny Boyle, 2001) 3.5 Stars

I’ve always been a big fan of Danny Boyle. His dark and bleak humour coupled with a gung-ho flair for directing has produced some of the best films of the last two decades; Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later, etc… Indeed, such is my passion for his indie streak that I have not yet seen the mass-popular Slumdog Millionaire simply because I don’t like the idea of one of MY choice directors being an Academy favourite. But egotistic narrow-mindedness aside, I was delighted last week to have thrust into my hands a Japanese copy of Boyle’s 2001 BBC film Strumpet, a piece that I had previously not come across.

Boyle standard Christopher Ecclestone (Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later, and of course Doctor Who) stars as angry young dog-lover and poet “Strayman”, who, taking in any feral who should stumble across his path, reaches out to a young homeless girl who goes by “Strumpet”(Genna G). Upon discovering Strumpet’s unique talent for playing the guitar naked, Strayman finds his poetry coming to musical life, with Ecclestone giving his best Billy Bragg impression (were Billy Bragg in fact from Lancashire) as he bounces to the music, screaming lyricisms. In classic Boyle style, we are then taken on a rags to riches to rags again tale, satirising the greed and exploitation of the media industry, and their ability to soil even the rawest of talent.

From its opening sequence; Ecclestone giving a soul-wrenching rendition of Wilfred Owen’s "Chicken Town" to a group of pub locals, to a stirring finale of Strayman’s own “Let it out”, Boyle takes us on a typically grainy and bleak journey, introducing us once again to the dismal dregs of society and therein relishing. At only 72 minutes, this is perhaps one of Boyle’s shortest films, but nonetheless delivers just as much of a cerebral punch as any of his more well-known ventures. Though no Trainspotting by any means, Strumpet is still a great little film, and a great showcase for both Ecclestone and Boyle’s charmingly discordant talents.

“You’ve come from nowt, check it out, check it out”

Comedy to Die For

So I Married An Axe Murderer (Thomas Schlamme, 1993)
4 Stars

Every comedian seems to have a decade that they are remembered for; a time when their face was everywhere, when they were loved and adored for their antics, most often before they became an unfunny shell of their former self. For Chaplin it was the twenties, the Marx Brothers the forties. For the likes of Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy and the late John Candy, the eighties displayed their individual talents. And then came the nineties, when a young Scottish-Canadian clown by the name of Mike Myers took a place in our hearts. Long before the abysmal excuses for comedy that were The Love Guru and Goldmember, Myers won the world over with such classics as Wayne’s World and Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. But today, we shall be looking at a rather forgotten little gem, the serial killer comedy So I Married An Axe Murderer.

I first discovered this movie at secondary school, and thereafter both amused and annoyed my compadres with a perpetual stream of quotations and imitations. As such, ten years on, I decided to revisit the film this weekend and see if it still holds up to a more mature viewing.

So I Married An Axe Murderer tells the tale of intimacy fearing beat poet Charlie (Myers) as he finally finds love, only to discover that his betrothed, the delightful Harriet (Nancy Travis – Three Men and a Baby, Becker) is renowned black widow “Mrs. X”. The story in itself isn’t exactly Shakespeare, but what makes it so very lovable is the sheer volume of bizarre yet believable characters. In a bold move for his career, Myers sheds the usual caricature hero (although he does give a sterling performance as his own Scottish father), and gives us a real Average Joe who we very much sympathise with. The world in which he immerses us in however is filled with some of the strangest people one could ever meet; Magnum wannabe best friend Tony (Anthony LaPaglia – Empire Records, Frasier ), a coddling yet still sexually driven mother, terrifying Alcatraz warden Vickie, a dozy pilot, and Charlie’s afro-haired brother William (or “Heed” as his father calls him). Yet as bizarre and hilarious as these characters may be, they are still utterly believable, so when coupled with a quick-witted and fast-paced script, we have a recipe for brilliance.

Incorporating two of my favourite scenes in cinema history (a two minute single shot of the life of a coffee cup set to The Boo Radleys’ rendition of the Las’ classic “There She Goes”, and a rooftop serenade complete with full jazz band – I challenge any man to find a more romantic redemption!), So I Married An Axe Murderer is a comedy classic that has been very much lost in the shadow of Myers’ more quotable works, but still packs a murderous punch nearly twenty years on. So be sure to give it a look, and maybe think twice before falling for a girl with a collection of exotic weapons and the ability to sing “Only You” in four different languages…

Back to the House of Sanders

Return to the Hundred Acre Wood (2009, David Benedictus) – 4 Stars

Ask any child, pretty much anywhere in the world to name his or her favourite bear, and the answer will come the same. Whether in his homestead merry England, or his animated haven the US, or even in the far reaches of anime-enthused Japan, Winnie the Pooh is a face and a tummy known across the globe.

But of course, most nowadays know Pooh simply for his Disney adventures; a shame really, as few books have brought such delight and charm as A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh and its sequel The House at Pooh Corner. Indeed, childhood in the Westgate home was filled with hums and ponders from the Bear of Very Little Brain.

Thus, with enraptured enthusiasm, I pawed my way through David Benedictus’ authorised sequel Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, and though it has been eighty years since the world last saw Christopher Robin in the land of his own imagination, only a year has passed in the wood, and the ensemble of unforgettable animals is fervently waiting for their leader’s return from school.

Within the all too few pages of Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, each of our furry or feathered friends has a typically idiosyncratic adventure; Tigger eats too many blackberries and falls into a stupour in which he dreams of Africa; Owl becomes an author, only to immediately un-become one, and Rabbit organises everything, including a full census of the forest (or non-census as Piglet calls it, before blushing at his own cleverness).

Alongside the old residents of the wood is newcomer Lottie the Otter, a cause of much contention amongst stalwart Pooh critics. Yes, perhaps in her absence, more story time could have been given to the old gang (it did disappoint me somewhat that Eeyore does rather little this time round), but nonetheless Lottie fits very well into the Wood, and does have a delightful “Milne-ness” about her.

And on the subject of “Milne-ness”, or to be specific “Shepherd-ness”, Pooh would have only a small smackerel of his charm without the beautiful illustrations of Ernest Shepherd, so many compliments and congratulations must be given to Mark Burgess, Shepherd’s colourist in the original books, who emulates Shepherd’s drawings perfectly, bringing to bouncing life the inhabitants of the forest.

In all, Return to the Hundred Acre Wood is a wonderful tribute to Milne’s memory, and a worthy addition to his legacy. An overwhelming sense of childish glee and nostalgia abounds every page, making one long for days of cricket and picnics, and as I reached the end of the book, and indeed Christopher Robin’s time in the forest, I did find myself shedding a tear for childhood years lost. As Pooh and Piglet walk hand in hand into the bittersweet sunset, one can only wonder what does happen to childhood, and must thank wholeheartedly Mr. Benedictus for giving us back some of those precious moments, albeit for just one short summer.

Time For A Cookie Party!

The Sarah Silverman Program (2007-Present) - 5 Stars

Comedy is, by and large, a man’s game. Entertainment history is spotted with great male comedians, ranging from the timeless Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplain, to the inimitable SNL stylings of Steve Martin, Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy. Indeed, I would challenge you, fair reader, to name me ten truly popular comediennes without clutching at straws past number five.

And so, refreshingly, the cute-as-a-button politically-questionable Jewish princess known as Miss Sarah Silverman has finally found her place amongst the greats.

I first came across Silverman in her role as editor-in-chief of Sweetknuckle Junction in the short-lived puppet sitcom Greg the Bunny, a show cancelled long before its time. After supporting roles in a number of movies including Rent and The School of Rock, her face became known amongst students and bored office workers for the viral hit I’m F*cking Matt Damon, in which Silverman used her unrivalled talent for turning just about any topic into a catchy tune to poke fun at her then boyfriend, chat-show host Jimmy Kimmell. And from then, she was perhaps not a household name, but at least a cult figure amidst the YouTube generation.

The Sarah Silverman Program places Sarah beside her real-life sister Laura in a childlike world of political incorrectness and puerility that is made so charmingly cute by Silverman’s innocence and girlish pep. Literally larger than life gay stoners Steve and Brian complete the unlikely ensemble and aid Sarah in her quest to make sense of the big wide anti-semantic, anti-Semitic world.

Approaching with pre-school glee such subjects as racism, religion and the death of an ailing mother, Silverman takes us on a nonsensical yet compellingly hilarious tour of her mixed-up psyche, introducing us to such memorable characters as Homeless Mike, Norman the nerdy cat, Sir Corin Ashley (a wonderful appearance by the coolest cat in comedy Mr Matt Berry; Garth Merenghi’s Dark Place, The IT Crowd), and even God himself, with whom Sarah develops an “intimate” relationship.

The Sarah Silverman Show is certainly not to everyone’s taste, and is definitely not a show to watch with your Grandmother, but nevertheless showcases Silverman’s amazingly “dotnose” talent, placing her firmly in the ranks of the greatest Single Female American Jewish Comedians of all time.

Not So Bad Moon Rising

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Chris Weitz, 2009) - 3 Stars

Fortunately for my own pride, I first discovered Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books long in advance to the blockbuster movie’s release, so I maintain that Robert Ruddy Pattinson has nothing to do with my love of this vampiric Romeo and Juliet yarn. In fact, to be quite honest, I thought the first movie was pretty bland; an outing in dull scripting and grating soft focus.

As such, I approached the second movie, New Moon, with some trepidation. Despite my fondness of the book, and something of a fetish for werewolves, I did not put too much expectation into the hands of Mr. Chris Weitz.

But of course, what I forgot was that this chapter of the saga has very little to do with the wetter-than-a-duck’s-backside Edward Cullen, and much more to do with the nubile wolf boy Jacob Black, played quite eloquently (especially for someone who spends most of the film with his shirt off) by the disturbingly young Taylor Lautner. No seventeen year old should be that buff. Fact.

With the focus now on Jacob, we no longer have to put up with the godawful acting of Pattinson, and are presented with a much more believable romance story. Unfortunately, Kristen Stewart, reprising her role as maudlin teen heroine Bella Swan does little to warm the audience, and one does find it somewhat hard to understand why such a miserable young whelp finds herself surrounded by beautiful, if supernaturally flawed, young gentlemen.

Little casting niggles aside; this movie certainly delivered what the first failed to. There are some really quite exciting fight scenes, and the werewolf CGI is surprisingly good, especially for someone who has been waiting on tender hooks for an effects team to outdo John Landis’ lycanthropic masterpiece American Werewolf in London. Much credit must also be given to the writing team, who have managed to turn about two hundred pages of moping for the lost Edward into some well-paced story, intertwined with snippets of fun wolf versus vampire action.

There are a few little problems with the pacing of the movie though, and at times the editing does become clunky and clumsy - within seconds (and with no explanation of how they got there) Bella and the deliciously elfin Alice Cullen (the rather titillating Ashley Greene) are suddenly in Italy, making us feel like they’ve just popped out for ice-cream. It’s a small thing, but it did start bugging me by Act 4. There is a small breath of relief in the final act though, with Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon, The Queen) giving a wickedly camp little cameo as evil vampire priest Aro.

In all, New Moon delivers exactly what the audience are expecting; it’s no masterpiece, but it’s good fun. A vast improvement on the first film certainly, and will most definitely have a throng of teenage girls torn between love interests.

Team Jacob all the way.

A Trilogy of Turtles

It's Sunday in Japanasia, and we all know what that means; time for a chillaxing afternoon of movie madness. This week we have a happy threesome of nineties nostalgia in amphibious form. So, for your pleasure, it's Turtle Time...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie (Steve Barron, 1990) – 3 Stars

A heavy bout of turtles-based nostalgia threw me into this weekend’s movie marathon, in which I decided to put myself through on of cinema’s greatest (cash-in) trilogies.

As a kid, I was a huge fan of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (yes, “hero”; in the UK “ninja” was seen as far too violent at the time for the pre-pubescent audience). Indeed, I remember well my fifth birthday, when my parents had gone out and purchased the entire range of Turtles action figures at the time. I had everything, ranging from the standard four, to bumbling baddies Bebop and Rocksteady, and even the Shell Wagon and sewer playsets. Of course, I was far from sated, seeing as how the thing I really wanted was Dizzy, Dizzy Dinosaur. Dear god I was a brat…

But anyways, let’s crack on.

Amidst turtle-mania, the big screen saw the first outing of the fab four in 1990, with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie. At the time, it was a cinematic masterpiece of subtlety and pathos, the likes of which had never been seen before. Well, maybe not, but it was a smash hit nonetheless.

Watching the film now, it is, naturally, dated, but it still holds it’s nineties charm. The story is delightfully dark for a kids’ movie; the evil Shredder kidnaps Master Splinter and it is up to our mutated heroes to “kick some shell” and rescue him. The campness of the cartoon is generally washed away to create an almost noir world for the underground heroes, giving them an almost believable place in the superhero world.

What makes the movie fun and still entirely watchable though is not the simplicity of it’s story, but the sheer enthusiasm with which it is made. The team behind Turtles are fully aware of the daftness of their subject matter, and sure, at the time, the producers could have thrown any old turtle-based tosh at the screen and made a fortune there from, but they don’t. Instead we get some nice witticisms, some very clever little references thrown in for the adult audiences, undoubtedly dragged unwillingly to theatres by screaming children, and an array of exciting and well-puppeteered action sequences.

Sure, it’s no Citizen Kane, but the turtles’ first outing is still great entertainment, and worth a watch if only for Master Splinter’s origin story; rarely will you see an animatronic rat kick ass quite so valiantly.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (Michael Pressman, 1991) – 2 Stars

The second instalment in the Turtles franchise sees our heroes once again taking on the evil Shredder as he uses the “ooze” that originally mutated the turtles against them, creating the made-for-action figure nasties Tokka and Rahzar. All this gooey craziness results in a showdown between the turtles and their new foes to the rhythmic insanity of Vanilla Ice.

Unlike the first movie, Turtles II takes its inspiration much more from the cartoon series than the seminal comic books, thus creating a much more comic and colourful motion picture.

Unfortunately, in doing so, the dark and somewhat gritty atmosphere portrayed in the first film becomes a watered down shell of its predecessor. Sure, it looks good visually, and the larger than life costumes are spot on, but the over exposure , both in terms of lighting and simple screen time that the characters are giving inevitably creates a very childish hue.

Of course, for the target audience, this is perfect (in fact, I remember this one being my favourite when I was a kid), but falls flat when it comes to all-round entertainment. Puerile and lack-lustre, this instalment borders on sheer stupidity, and not the Return of the Killer Tomatoes good kind.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (Stuart Gillard, 1993) - 1 Star

(Transcript of phone conversation between CEOs of Playmates Toys)

Steve: Hey Corny, it’s Steve.

Cornelius: Oh, hi Steve, what’s happening?

Steve: Well, we have a problem with the Turtles line…

Cornelius: Sales down?

Steve: Yeah, and we’ve run out of new ideas to pawn off on the public.

Cornelius: Hmm… That is a problem… How about “Hollywood Monsters” variants?

Steve: Did that one last year.

Cornelius: Aging rockstars?

Steve: Covered.

Cornelius: Well, how about Samurai Turtles?

Steve. Could work, but they’re ninjas, not samurai.

Cornelius: Okay, I got it. Do we still have the old costumes from the second movie?

Steve: Yeah…

Cornelius: Right; turtles go back in time and become samurai. Third movie in the bag and a marketing dream. We’ll be running the new figures for Christmas.

Steve: Okay. But how about the story?

Cornelius: Ah, bugger that. Just throw out any old crap. Make sure it’s bright and sparkly. Lots of swashbuckling. The kids’ll love it. Oh, and make sure you get the guy that was Casey Jones in the first film to pop in for a pointless cameo. That’ll get another figure in the works.

Steve: Do we have a writer?

Cornelius: Oh, any shit’ll do. Is the guy that did Speed 2 available?

Steve: Sir, Speed 1 hasn’t even been made yet…

Cornelius: Well how about the guy that did that crappy movie with Phoebe Cates in the buff?

Steve: I’ll give him a call…

Cornelius: Get on it. My kids need new ponies.

(call ends)

A Cornucopia of KitKats

There are many things that I hate about living in rural Japan; the distinct lack of cheese and sausage rates pretty high. The delightfully grating obsessive etiquette grows tiresome after a while, and perhaps most importantly the utter inability to get a decent rum and coke anywhere in the locality.
Of course, every cloud has its lining; this morning’s earthquake was a welcome excitement, and the sheer volume of karaoke bars, often with attractive-once-drunk geisha wannabes are great fun.
But nothing comes more highly regarded by this seasoned traveller than the volume and variety of KitKats on sale over here.
Anyone who has worked with me in the theatre knows that near production week KitKats become my life blood, so I relish in the love and imagination for this simple confectionary item that the Japanese seem to have.
And so, here is this month’s offerings from Nestle Japan. I shall be rating on the “four-finger” basis; those that are true delicacies shall receive a full four fingers, and we shall work from there. So, for your mouth-watering enjoyment, here’s the KitKat collective!

Raspberry and Passion Fruit KitKat – 3 Fingers

I believe that this one is a Valentine’s Day special. Interestingly enough, the Japanese have even managed to change the Valentine’s traditions over here; gifts are only given by girls, and not only to loved ones, but fellow employees and friends. Guys then return the favour a month later on White Day. But I digress. The Raspberry and Passion Fruit KitKat is an interesting one. Two fingers of dark chocolate surround the wafer centre, with a bitter fruit flavouring sandwiched in the middle. It’s a pretty good one, with the fruity taste both pleasant and just the right side of sickly sweet. The one thing
that lets it down though is the unappealing aftertaste, leaving you unsure as to whether the initial delight is quite worth it.

Calpis KitKat – 3.5 Fingers

Calpis, for those not in the know, is a Japanese soft drink, kind of in the same vein as cream soda. As such, its coupling with the KitKat is a strange one at first thought, but it is one that most definitely works out. A white chocolate variety with a delightful, almost “fizzy” twist, this is available in large multipacks, and certainly doesn’t leave you regretting buying them in bulk.

Red Pepper KitKat – 3 Fingers

I’ve always been a fan of the chilli/chocolate combo; indeed one of my signature recipes involves smothering a good venison steak in the stuff. As such, this dark chocolate delight was a much welcomed gift from a friend in Tokyo. With just the right peppery kick, this is a nicely spicy little niblet.

Royal Milk Tea KitKat – 1.5 Fingers

The Japanese love their tea, though it is usually drunk without milk or sugar. Thus this “English” style KitKat, complete with a cute picture of the Royal Guard on the wrapper, came to being. But the taste? Well, I’m not the biggest tea person, so perhaps not the most unbiased of critics, but to be honest, it’s not great. The flavour is somewhat akin to gone off milk. So sorry, but not one I shall be sharing with the Queen next time I go for tea.

Maple KitKat – 3.5 Fingers

Now this is a cheeky little number which delivers exactly what it says on the tin. Presumably released to celebrate the Winter Olympics, this is another white chocolate bar, with just the right amount of maple flavouring. A truly delightful combination.

Custard Pudding KitKat Bar – 4 Fingers

Amidst a land of tiny portions which often leave you craving more, this beast of a bar holds a gold medal for sheer ballsiness. Upon opening, the custardy aroma hits your nostrils with a punch, and the bar itself delivers a smooth and satisfying crème brulee taste. Most importantly though, it is not only delicious, but it also fills you up. Top notch Nestle. This one’s a winner.

A Fowl Most Fowl

It's been a long old week of chilliness and cheeselessness down in Yamaguchi. Indeed, not even the new adventures of Winnie The Pooh (not the TV show, the actual new Pooh book) have managed to warm the toes of this world-weary critic. A pile of poor excuses for pizzas and sub-par doughnuts, however, and we have a petite critique of televisual excellence. Over the weekend, we shall be looking at some KitKats and hopefully, unless I find it once again closed, investigating the south of Japan's only American run Mexican-Irish restaurant. But for now, here's Duckman....

Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man

(1994-1997)

I often find myself trawling the internet for a new TV series to get lost in. Indeed, such discoveries as Supernatural and Glee have been little more than a tired and drizzly Sunday afternoon’s uncoverings. As such, I found myself striking some long forgotten televisual gold a few weeks ago when I stumbled upon the early nineties adult animation Duckman.

Having often seen famous faces (Tim Curry, John Astin, et al…) credited on the web-bound bible that is the IMDB for the aforeto unheard of Duckman, I finally decided to see what all of these Hollywood legends were putting their names to. And pay off? Why yes sir, it did indeed.

Duckman’s protagonist is the two-foot high detective of the show’s namesake (voiced by none other than the legendary Jason Alexander – Seinfeld), who struggles valiantly to support his dysfunctional family (Siamese twins Charles and Mambo, underachiever Ajax, bitchy sister-in-law Bernice and flatulent mother-in-law Grandmama) whilst foiling the schemes of an array of evil genii.

Abetting the hopeless Duckman in his quest is the stoic and sardonic Cornfed Pig, a comic creation the likes of which are rarely seen. Cornfed is nothing short of brilliance; his dry monotony in every situation never tires, and is the perfect antithesis to his parter’s perpetual neuroses. Duckman’s saccharine secretaries, a pair of cute-as-button teddy bears, are just the right level of grating, and one cannot help but sympathise every time the find themselves succumbing to yet another unlikely death at the hands of their boss.

In the nineties world of adult animations, Duckman was overshadowed by perhaps less outlandish shows such as The Simpsons and King of the Hill, but in the modern age of the bizarre, Duckman stands tall against such contemporaries as Family Guy and South Park. With its subtle yet crass humour, Duckman ruffled many a feather amongst critics at the time, but is a show that certainly deserves a gander, and will surely continue to grow in cult status over years to come.

Tarquin's TV Top Ten - Disney TV Shows

Ahoy hoy! Tarquin the TV otter here. Each week I shall be taking you, dear readers into the dark and wonderful past that is TV years gone by, offering y'all my unique look on televisual days gone by. This week's voyage into nostalgia is a topis I hold most dear to my heart; the TV world of Walt Disney. Known foremostly for their work on the big screen, the Disney Corporation have also produced some of the finest family programming of the last thirty years. So, without further ado, I give you the run down...

10. Talespin (1990-1991)

An often forgotten little gem that featured the cast of The Jungle Book as the residents of a sleepy Caribbean island, with Baloo flying a delivery plane lovingly named the Sea Duck alongside his trusty young bear companion.

With King Louie running a cocktail bar, and Shere Khan the megalomaniac owner of a multinational corporation, this show not only featured one of the greatest theme tunes of all time, but some delightfully satirical storylines. It also happens to be one of the few Disney shows to have had an episode banned for promoting terrorism. So everybody wins!

9. Hannah Montana (2006-2010)

A questionable choice some may say, but this delightfully twee “best of both worlds” show is actually, under the saccharine surface, pretty good fun.

It’s a story everyone knows, I’m sure; Miley Cyrus plays Miley Stewart (see what they did there) Daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus… I mean Stewart… who is by day an average teenager, but by night peroxide pop sensation Hannah Montana.

The concept in itself is as trite as Hannah’s hideously teeny-bop songs, but what makes the show curiously watchable is the acting talents of its young stars. Not Cyrus herself, obviously, but her young confidantes are all filled with pep and some surprisingly sharp comic timing. And Billy Ray… Well, it’s a performance just as hilarious as his stint on Dancing With The Stars.

8. Fillmore! (2003-2004)

Another show that rather disappeared into obscurity was this deliciously cutting detective noir animation that took place in the hallways of X Middle School. Indeed, with the cancellation of Disney Club and its offspring, I’m not sure the show even made its way to terrestrial screens.

The premise is nothing short of genius; juvenile delinquents Cornelius Fillmore and Ingrid Third are set to work as undercover operatives for the school’s safety patrol programme, taking down crime such as chalk theft and water bombing whilst juggling their own academic curricula. Cutting wit and gorgeous animation seemed lost on audiences though, and the show was prematurely axed after just one season.

7. Ducktales (1987-1990)

Life was indeed like a hurricane in the bustling duck-opolis of Duckberg, home to the multimillionaire Scrooge McDuck and his unlikely wards Huey, Dewey and Louie.

Always off on bird-brained treasure hunts alongside their plethora of stalwart chums (well, employees to be technical about it, though to I doubt any of them ever signed a health and safety form), Ducktales introduced us to a host of memorable characters, most notably the accident-prone Launchpad McQuack (who shall be resurfacing later), the crackpot inventor Gyro Gearloose, and of course the cyborg superhero Gizmoduck.

It may seem surprising that this classic didn’t rate higher in the top ten, especially since it maintains the record for one of Disney’s longest running animated TV series, but quite frankly, as good as it was, there’s been better. And most of them don’t have annoying ducklings perpetually getting into ridiculous scrapes involving lucky dimes.

6. Chip ‘N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers (1989-1990)

One thing that riles me up something rotten, possibly more than an evening with Michael McKintyre, is the confusion that the general populous seems to have when it comes to the Rescue Rangers. They are NOT the pairing of Eva Gabor and ... who not only saved young Penny from a crazy lady with crocodiles before returning twenty years later, not having aged one day, to rescue young Cody and his golden eagle companion from the clutches of an evil poacher. Nor are they a trio of singing chipmunks who need to be shot.

They are however Disney’s old favourites Chip and Dale, coupled with cheese loving Monterey Jack and sexy brainiac Gadget. Oh, and Zipper the bluebottle. It’s not difficult kiddies. Interestingly, however, the original pitch did not utilise Chip and Dale, rather (if I remember correctly) a squirrel and a lizard. The execs decided, probably for the best, that some familiar faces would be more appealing.

Rescue Rangers was a great show to say the least. Whether riding around in a roller-skate car, or fighting off robot cats, Chip and Dale always managed to create original and compelling storylines, along with one of Disney’s finest villains; the corpulent Fat Cat. So remember, sometimes some crimes go slipping through the cracks, but these two gumshoes are picking up the slack. Fact.

5. Dinosaurs (1991-1994)

Suburban middle American family life has been the subject of many a sitcom, and when it comes to the perfect presentation of the working man and his loving tribe, the Sinclairs certainly laid the nest egg.

Created in association with the Jim Henson Company, the prehistoric American world was brought to life through some state of the art puppeteering and animatronics, coupled with a sharp satirical tongue and some very mature themes considering the alleged target audience of the show.

Of course, the one thing that will always ring true for Dinosaurs is Baby Sinclair’s perpetual cry of “Not the Mama!”, though the series’ finale, in which extinction falls upon our heroes will forever strike a poignant note of the fragility of a seemingly stable lifestyle.

4. Bonkers (1993-1995)

After the runaway success of the live action/animation amalgamation that was Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Disney decided in the early nineties to commission a TV series with a similar concept. A human detective would be coupled with an animated side-kick to solve mysteries and murders in the larger than life Toon Town.

Unfortunately, the big-wigs refused to put up the collateral necessary for such a venture, and Bonkers was sent back to the drawing board. Keeping to the same script, the show was created, though this time entirely animated. Of course, the problem therein is that having a cartoon detective (human albeit) claiming to “hate toons” doesn’t quite pack the same punch.

That said, Bonkers was great fun, and it’s a shame that it seems to be long since forgotten by most viewers. Hilarious, weird, wired and in the same moment somehow touching, this was probably not a patch on the visual delight it could have been, but nonetheless does not deserve the obscurity it has attained.

3. Wizards of Waverly Place (2007-Present)

In the late nineties, the world fell in love with Sabrina. Of course, looking back, and having watched the complete series back-to-back recently, it’s actually quite hard to see why. Sure, Sabrina herself was perky and peppy, and Salem certainly made for worthwhile viewing, but on the whole, and especially during the last four seasons, Sabrina was somewhat lacklustre.

So now, with open arms, we welcome the Disney Channel’s cheeky little number Wizards of Waverly Place, a charmingly wicked hit amongst both tweeny-pop girls and this embittered critic.

Basic premise? The Russo family run a sandwich shop in downtown NY, and they just happen to be wizards. That’s about the crux of it. In a post-Potter world, it’s nothing original, but the performances of the kids (most notably the delightful Selina Gomez) partnered with a sardonic and yet family friendly script gives this show the much needed sparkle that our screens have been lusting for.

2. Darkwing Duck (1991-1992)

This legendary series’ place at the top stood in my eyes for many years. The Terror That Flaps in the Night was indeed one of my childhood heroes, and only a few years ago I donned a purple cape for a fancy dress night on the town.

Darkwing was one of two spin-offs from its predecessor Ducktales (the other being the rather sub-par Quack Pack) and featured Duckberg heroes Launchpad McQuack and Gizmoduck aiding our purple-clad protagonist.

Darkwing spent many dark and lonesome nights protecting the mean streets of Cape Canard from miscreants such as the ad-quoting Liquidator, washed up walrus actor Tuskerninni and the Holmesian deviant Moliarty before finally finding peace with his true love, the gothic Morgana Macawber.

Some of the finest characters in Disney history formed this heirloom of animation, which will have a generation of Disneyphiles crying “Let’s get dangerous” for many years to come.

1. Kim Possible (2002-2007)

Quite honestly, I could write an entire dissertation on KP. In fact, had I gone with my original proposal, The Teenage Cheerleading Superhero in Popular Culture, I probably would have done. So I shall try to keep in brief.

Kim Possible tells the tale of the eponymous heroine as she struggles with day-to-day high school life, whilst at the same time saving the world from her hap-hazard arch-nemesis Dr. Drakken on a twice-daily basis. Along the way, she is aided by her eventual beau, the clumsy but lovable Ron Stoppable and his pet naked mole rat Rufus (Ron’s father has a fur allergy…), along with the screen-bound whiz kid Wade Load.

Minor villains are, naturally, a nuisance, and the folks as Disney out-do themselves with some truly inspiring foes. We have Professor Monty Fisk (or “Monkey Fist” as he becomes known), who surgically removes his hands and feet, replacing them with those of a chimpanzee. Then there’s Duff Killigan, the world’s deadliest golfer, and of course the gorgeous but deadly Shego, the only one of the bunch with half a brain. And she’s supposedly the sidekick.

Kim Possible combines everything required for an epic kids’ TV show; action, adventure, romance, and rip-roaring hilarity, but never once talking down to its audience, thus creating a true masterpiece of family entertainment.

In Kim Possible, the Disney team live up to their own hero’s motto; they can indeed do anything.

A Film That Continues To Fly

Space Jam (Joe Pytka, 1996)
3 Stars

Picture the scene if you will; it’s 1996 and Jordan-Mania is rife across the US. Basketball has spread across the globe; even to the far reaches of the UK, a country fore to unaware of its existence in modern culture, kids know teams, they know players, and above all, they know Michael Jordan.

So what do Warner Brothers do to cash in on the fame of the “greatest player of all time”? Why, make an animated movie retelling of his Air-ness’ return to the courts featuring much loved characters from the world of the Looney Tunes of course.

I decided to revisit Space Jam last night for reasons unknown, and I’m quite glad I did. Though not quite the rip-roaring comedy I remember of my youth, it still very much retains its dated charm. Jordan himself manages to pull off a sturdy performance alongside his animated co-stars, putting a lot of faith and believability into the understandably daft plot.

It’s a toss-up for the Cameo Award here. Though Wayne Knight (Jurassic Park, Third Rock From the Sun) puts in a great performance as Jordan’s neurotic publicist, he is overshadowed both by Bill Murray (playing, quite excellently may I add, Bill Murray) and the voice talent of the inimitable Danny DeVito, bringing to life the evil alien who kidnaps our fuzzy heroes.

Although the animation in itself is beautifully rendered, the interaction between real life and cartoon world does leave something to be desired, falling rather short of its ancestor Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

The stealer of both the screen and our hearts, however, is most certainly miss Lola Bunny, who, for this young critic, runs (and dribbles) circles around her predecessor Jessica Rabbit. As a wise prophet once asked, “Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?”

A Return to Fidelity

The weather in Yanai has, of late, left something to desire. Biting cold days give way to disgustingly humid nights, with rain and thunder punctuated by the occasional mosquito advance. It's not fun. But alas, these tropical fluctuations are one of the many prices paid by we merry few who insist teaching in the tropics. Thank Christ for multi-functional air-con units.

Amidst the fluctuous weather, little writing has been done, though books have been devoured at an alarming rate (not good news seeing as I shall soon be paying through the nose to have more tomes shipped back and forth). However, we do have a return to a familiar author in the first of my literary reviews...

Juliet, Naked (Nick Hornby, 2009)

4 Stars

I have been an avid follower of Hornby for many years now, having first picked up the modern masterpiece that is High Fidelity when I was about eighteen and falling utterly in love with it. Indeed, not classing young Alice Pelling of my kindergarten years, I would probably count HF as my first true love. A book so believable yet bitter has, in my humble opinion, rarely surfaced.

In recent years however, I have found myself somewhat falling out of favour with Hornby. Maybe it is the pedistal on which I raised him, but recent ventures such as Slam and A Long Way Down failed to live up to the legacy of High Fidelity and its follow-up About a Boy.

As such, I was tentative about getting too excited about his new venture, Juliet, Naked, and was made even moreso by the sappy "chick-lit" style blurb. Indeed, it found itself very near the bottom of my Christmas reading barrel.

But I needn't have been so concerned; within pages, I was enraptured. Juliet, Naked tells the tale of Annie, a middle aged woman, unhappy in her relationship with nerdy Duncan, who leaves him after discovering his infidelity, only to end up finding herself in a cross-Atlantic relationship with the reclusive rock star Tucker Crowe; the object of her former beau's obsession.

Hornby's portrayal of mundanity in a sleepy British seaside town is beautifully hilarious, and I often found myself harking back to lazy days in Aberystwyth wondering how such a fusty town still manages to keep going.

It's an interesting yarn, and one of the few books I have read of late that really had me wondering how things would turn out. And wonderfully, you don't really know... Tender hooks are very much left hanging at the end.

Juliet, Naked reads like the illegitimate love child of High Fidelity; an infusion of heartache and rock'n'roll, but this time from a female perspective. Kudos to Hornby for once again creating a genuinely empathic heroine, whilst at the same time giving a true reality to a story that many other authors would have otherwise made ridiculous.

Touching, thought-provoking, and guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

Lucky 8

Well, lets crack on, shall we? My first set of reviews is this weekend's movie viewings. As you can tell, I've not been up to much, though works on my new childrens' book are well underway... You can get a lot of doodling done during a movie-thon...

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (Rawson Marshall Thurber, 2004) - 4 Stars

I have to admit, I have never been a big fan of the “new wave” American comedy that has been saturating our screens for the last ten years or so. Indeed the likes of Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell do nothing more than rile me with a rage akin to genocide.
As such, I have been avoiding this one for a long while now, despite perpetual claims of its brilliance from my peers. After a final recommendation from a friend in Tokyo however, I reluctantly decided to give it a try.
And I’m glad I did. Unlike the other players in its field (Anchorman, Talledega Nights, etc…), I found myself hooting in delight for the full ninety minutes that this little gem ran for.
The story, as I’m sure many of you know, revolves around Vince Vaughan’s unfortunate slacker fighting to save his Everyman gym from a corporate take over by Ben Stiller’s once obese egomaniac. The story is nothing new; the good guys overcoming the big nasties, but it is the supporting cast that make this one to remember.
Rip Torn is on fine form as ever as the aged dodgeball champion who teaches our heroes to “Dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge”, whilst Justin Long and Steven Root deliver, as ever, as stalwart members of the underdog team.
Star performance, however, has to go to the fine Adam Tudyk (Serenity, Death at a Funeral), whose Steve the Pirate is nothing more than pure genius.
Overall, despite my reservations, this is an excellent comedy for a Saturday evening, and certainly one I shall not be dodging again in the future.

Dead Like Me: Life After Death (Stephen Herek, 2009) - 2 Stars

I first came across the ill-fated comedy-drama Dead Like Me during my first year at university. After seeing the girl ahead of me in line at the library returning the first season on DVD, I was intrigued by the concept; Grim reapers live amongst us, taking the souls of the soon to be departed, whilst at the same time having to hold down a steady job and manage their (after)lives just like everyone else.
The show was made both touching and tantalising by the wonderful cast and witty writing, a trait that even after the show’s cancellation was weaved into Bryan Fuller’s likewise prematurely canned Pushing Daisies.
Thus, when I heard a movie was in the works, continuing and allegedly tying up the loose ends of the show, I was in a state of salivation waiting for the promised manna.
Unfortunately, I was sorely disappointed. With a new production team, and many of the original cast tied up with other projects, Life After Death was an empty coffin of its predecessor.
The lacklustre storyline revolves almost entirely around our hero George Lass (killed by a toilet seat in the original show), played by the ambiguously attractive Ellen Muth, shadowing her now grown-up sister Reggie, and dealing once again with the loss of her family. This side story was always something of an annoyance in the series, and alas, within the movie, does little to develop or wrap up anything within George’s character arc.
The other Reapers meanwhile find themselves at a loss when their previous boss Rube (the wonderful Mandy Pattinkin (The Princess Bride)) moves on to the afterlife. His replacement Cameron Kane (Henry Ian Cusick, Lost), though as devious and charismatic as the script dictates, does nothing to fill the boots of the former epicentre of the Reaper world.
With Pattinkin unable to take up his role once again, the writers clearly did their best to make the best of a bad situation, though one does wonder why they did not do the same with Laura Harris’ character, the southern belle Daisy Adair. Harris’ stand-in (Sarah Wynter, 24) is not a patch on her predecessor, and I often found myself confused as to whether who I was seeing was actually Daisy or not.
A mention must go to Callum Blue (Smallville, Caffeine), reprising his role, thank goodness, as the delinquent Mason, who with just a spattering of screen-time, still manages to steal the screen. Unfortunately this cannot make up for the rest of the drudge that we have endured throughout the film.
Life After Death is the perfect example of trying too hard to resurrect a deceased love, and failing on every count. One of the hardest lessons of all, both for a writer and a fan; some things are better off dead.

Evil Dead II (Sam Raimi, 1987) - 3 Stars

The first instalment of my Sam Raimi marathon this weekend was the classic Evil Dead II, obviously the sequel to its own namesake, the classic horror Evil Dead.
I watched the first movie a few years ago now, expecting the horror-comedy that is so very renowned within the trilogy. As such I was surprised when I was genuinely creeped out by the film. Evil Dead is a horror movie, complete with vine rape and damn scary voices. I learned this the hard way.
Why I waited so long to imbibe in the sequels, I don’t know, but having watched them back to back now, I’m not entirely sold on whether or not I enjoyed them.
Evil Dead II starts out fine enough; classic “cabin in the woods” scenario, with our hero Ash (the cult standard Bruce Campbell) recovering from the events of the first movie, and struggling with his own inner demons. We then digress into the expected narrative; more people turn up, shit hits the fan, book must be read aloud to send zombie creatures back to hell. This is all fine and dandy, and Ash’s evil hand (I couldn’t help but realising at this point the sheer unoriginality of a film I had previously quite enjoyed, Idle Hands) is great fun.
And then we have the ending. An obvious set up for Part III (for more, see Back to the Future Part II), this is both confusing and nonsensical.
As a horror-comedy, I enjoyed this for what it was. Understandably a cult classic, it delivered in everything it set out to; some good laughs, some decent scares, a heck of a lot of needless yet mandatory gore, and a chainsaw hand. Okay, this one I enjoyed.

Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness (Sam Raimi, 1992) - 2.5 Stars

And here is where I get lost.

Film One – Horror movie
Film Two – Horror Comedy
Film Three – Fantasy Comedy with Skeletons

It just didn’t cut it for me I’m afraid. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I need to watch it again. I don’t know.
Many film series have managed to pull off the random genre change; Alien being the fore-runner, but this just didn’t work for me. I wish it did, because I know how much of a fanbase this movie has, and maybe with a second viewing it will fall into place. For now however, I’m lost.
Kudos does have to be given however to the effects team. The “army” is fantastically created, with a mixture of classic Harryhausen claymation and some great early green-screening. And Bruce Campbell really does believe everything he’s saying within the confounding script.
Sorry, but I was most certainly left in the darkness with this one.

Drag Me To Hell (Sam Raimi, 2009) - 3.5 Stars

I decided to complete my Raimi-thon with his most recent offering; the box-office hit Drag Me To Hell.
This is a delightfully original cautionary tale of the dangers of pissing off an old gypsy. Loan officer Alison Lohman (Beowulf, Big Fish), who is certainly easier on the eye than Raimi’s first choice Ellen Paige (Hard Candy, Juno) declines a loan application from an old lady, who in turn goes somewhat homicidal and curses her with an ancient demon determined to, as the title suggests, drag her to hell.
Along her decent, Lohman is subjected to various forms of supernatural torment (the highlight of which involves an eye appearing in a slice of cake, wonderfully reminiscent of the unforgettable dinner scene in IT) whilst aided in her attempts to escape the curse by her adoring boyfriend (the lovely Justin Long once again) and a helpful psychic (Dilap Rao, Avatar).
The story has some great twists and turns, and the ending left me with a wicked smile on my face. Nothing like some schadenfreude to lighten a Sunday afternoon. The script is well paced and witty, and the schlock effects are tantalisingly good.
In all, by far my favourite of the Raimi films I viewed this weekend – deliciously twisted and wonderfully formed. A hell-bound journey I would certainly endure once again.

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (Sarah Sugarman, 2004) - 3 Stars

I’ll come out say it; I love Lyndsay Lohan. Since first seeing her in The Parent Trap all those many years ago, the miscreant redhead has held a special place in my heart. Indeed, I count her calling card Mean Girls amongst my favourite movies of all time.
Thus, I finally brought myself round to watching its Disneyfied little sister, Confessions…. The story is a pretty much Mean Girls for the younger demographic; teenage Lohan arrives in new town after her parents decide to move. She’s worried she won’t fit in at school, and naturally, being attractive and bubbly, she doesn’t. The fact that she seems to live in a make-believe world of her own creation doesn’t exactly help.
From there, she befriends the delightful Allison Pill (the girl from Dear Wendy) and the two of them embark on an adventure to see their favourite band in concert, learning many moral lessons about the dangers of growing up and being a “fifteen” year old with double-D breasts. It’s a lot of fun, and everybody learns something.
In all, it’s no Mean Girls, but it’s fun, it’s cuddly, and there’s a few decent laughs to be had, especially when the finale (a modern musical version of Pygmalion for some bizarre reason) comes round. Four star family entertainment.

I Know Who Killed Me (Chris Sivertson, 2007) - 1.5 Stars

To curb my Lohan fetish, I decided to put myself quite literally through some torture porn. I think that’s what the world needs; a Hostel style movie in which teenagers are slowly tortured using only crap movies. It’s certainly a better pitch than my last horror script, Preservation; Saw with jam.
To be fair, I Know Who Killed Me certainly wasn’t as bad as I expected, and probably didn’t quite deserve the plethora of Razzies that it obtained. It was no Scream, or even Scream 3 for that matter, but with a little tweaking and a little better direction, this could have packed quite a punch.
The film can be read in two ways; basically Lohan plays a young writer who is kidnapped and tortured to death. However, when her identical twin miraculously appears from nowhere, stigmatically exhibiting the same wounds as her missing sister, it is up to her and the blandly portrayed father to find her. At first glance, an interesting premise, or at least an original one, but add into the equation that the whole “twin” arc is imagined by Lindsay No.1 in a traumatised state during the torture, and we have a tasty little cocktail of destruction. A Molotov perhaps?
Unfortunately, where the movie stumbles and falls is the sheer convolution of the ridiculous plot, leaving little to no explanation as to what actually happened at the end. Also, if it is simply a case of “actual occurrence”, rather than the pained imagination of a tortured writer, then they messed up big time by giving the killer away within two minutes of the opening credits.
Watch it and decide for yourself if you feel so inclined. I probably won’t be visiting again though, since at face value, nobody killed her. And she didn’t know him.

Hamlet 2 (Andrew Fleming, 2008) - 4 Stars

Now, this is a movie I have been waiting a heck of a long time to see. Having been put back for release a number of times, and then only released in a limited amount of theatres in the UK, I finally stumbled upon it this weekend, and my goodness was it worth the wait!
The film centres around failed actor turned drama teacher Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge, Around the World in 80 Days) who despite his school’s failing drama department endeavours to create the greatest theatrical spectacular of all time; a sequel to Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
The film itself is a delightful parody of the Bard’s tale; father issues, sexual betrayal and the inevitable return of a prodigal protégé. Everything leads up to the much anticipated performance however, and dear God does it pay off.
We are presented with a musical time-travel romp in which Hamlet and Jesus attempt to save the lives of every character within the original script, whilst at the same time finding redemption of their own fathers’ “abandonment”s.
Words are difficult to find with this wonderful film, speckled with delightful cameos (Elizabeth Shue and David Arquette to name but two), so my recommendation? Just watch it. Watch it, love it, and Rock with Sexy Jesus.

Welcome to the Screen

I digest movies. As a writer I kind of have to. They have a nutritiousness akin to no other intake. As such, (and after a marathon viewing of eight movies this weekend) I decided it was about time to start up an online review of recent cinematic endeavours.

But why stop there? Being in Japan, a place where few from the West tend to journey, I figured why not broaden this idea; make it bigger, more global?

So here we have Silver Screen Lining, my new blog devoted to reviewing just about anything and everything that can be reviewed. Here you will find movies, books, kitkats, restaurants, bars, Japanese generalities, and pretty much anything else I care enough to comment upon. Enjoy!