Why I Think the Japanese are in fact Mogwai

I’ve been in Japan a while now, getting to know the people, the customs, and the outright craziness of the whole thing, and, after many months of speculation, I have come to one simple conclusion; the Japanese people are in fact Mogwai.

Now, this may come as something of an odd claim to make for anyone not accustomed to life in Japan; How can a race of peoples, with centuries-old traditions be akin to an animatronic creature created by Joe Dante back in the nineteen-eighties?

Well, dear reader, cast your mind back to the three simple rules, and indeed the character of that oh-so-lovable young scamp Gizmo, and I’m sure, after my little analysis, you too will see the East through Gremlin-fied eyes.

Rule One: Keep them out of bright light, especially sunlight; they hate it

When summer rolls around in Japan, a very peculiar thing happens. Unlike the rest of the world, where folk tear off clothing to soak up the sun, Japanese women actually cover up to save themselves from being exposed to any form of natural light. So much so is this obsessive protection, that it is not uncommon to see women clad from top to toe in thick black clothing, sweating in the sweltering heat, just to maintain that “white” appearance.

Rule Two: Don’t get them wet

On my first day in Tokyo, I saw one of the most amazing sights of my life. As I was crossing the infamous Shibuya roadway (a fantastic sight in itself), the slightest rain began to fall. Nothing to an Englishman, so very used to the occasional downpour. As such, it was with utter bemusement that out of nowhere, a thousand umbrellas opened up, forming a goliath shelter lest one single drop should fall on the locals’ heads.

Since this first display, I have become more than used to a bevy of umbrellas in even the trickliest of showers.

Rule Three: Don’t feed them after midnight

This is perhaps one that I would not be aware of were I not spending the vast majority of my time living with a delightful young Japanese lady, and something that I must admit I do, on occasion, find somewhat irksome.

Whereas in the West a midnight tummy-rumble is to be quenched with the eponymous timely snack, out here it is utterly forbidden to eat after the clock strikes twelve. Don’t ask me why, as I am yet to find a suitable explanation, and quite frankly, I am still going to have my biscuits at two in the morning, rules or no rules.

Of course, it’s not just these rules that have turned me to my way of thinking; there are many other attributes of Japanese peoples that liken them to their Mogwai brethren…

A love for cutesiness and all things Disney

Remember that scene in the first movie when the gremlins storm the movie theatre and sing along to Snow White? Well, that love of all things twee emanates in every aspect of Japanese life. One cannot buy a detergent without some bizarre anime creature grinning inanely, and clothing here ranges from the cute to the down-right daft.

The obsession with Disney is also somewhat bizarre, with kids sporting bags with characters from movies they have never even heard of, let alone seen (seriously, right now EVERYONE has Jack Skellington stuff going on, and I know for a fact a minute percentage has ever actually sat through Nightmare) and waving around their Duffy the Disney Bear merchandise.

Singing

Gizmo loved to sing. Everyone remembers that. And the Japanese are the same. Karaoke bars and boxes litter the streets, and one cannot move more than ten metres down a city road without being festooned with fliers for some neon music-based establishment.

So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz, or your washing machine blows up, or your video recorder conks out, before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds, because you never can tell; there just might be a Japanese person in your house…