Go Back To School...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Part 1
(David Yates, 2010)

3 Stars

It’s a sad truth that the Harry Potter films never quite live up to expectations. Sure, we love them, but mainly for those oh-too-brief cameos of much-admired British stalwarts camping it up to kingdom come. So we read the books, we see the trailers, we wet our pants a little, and are inevitably let down by the end result. Which is why, for the first time in the HP film series, I feel that a movie has entirely captured its namesake. The first half of The Deathly Hallows is just as long, drawn out and entirely unfulfilling as the first half of the brick of a tome on which it’s based.

Having decided to release the final tale in two parts (Why? Oh yes, that’d be a case of keeping the franchise going as long as possible…) Warner Brothers have, this winter, given us two and a half hours of Harry, Ron and Hermione wandering around, bickering. Which, to be fair, is exactly what Rowling gave us in the book. So kudos to director David Yates (who also did the previous two movies) for giving us what we expected.

But perhaps I’m being a little harsh; despite its meandering, obsession to unnecessary detail here fore unseen in Potter films, and, of course, Bill Nighy’s godawful Welsh accent, The Deathly Hallows actually stands up as a pretty good film, and a decent precursor for what’s inevitably to come.

The kids, arguably for the first time, all put in great performances, though, as ever, I would have liked to have seen more of the older members of the cast (this is a MOVIE for Christ’s sake; we don’t have to follow the book narrative word for word! Show us what’s happening in the rest of the world! Show us what’s happening in Hogwarts for crying out loud!), and could, quite frankly, have done without the ridiculous bit with the naked vision of Harry and Hermione at it… just my opinion though. I’m sure there’s fanboys across the world who had to change their trousers after that brief few seconds.

One thing that really works, however, is the “greatest hits” feel to the whole proceedings. Think of a character from the last six books, and if they’re not currently at Hogwarts (roll around Part 2 please!), they’re here in full couple-of-lines glory. John Hurt’s Olivander, Imelda Staunton’s Umbridge, the Dursleys, even a cheeky little “blink and you’ll miss it” from Miranda Richardson as the wonderful Rita Skeeter. Come July, I’m pretty certain that every character that we’ve grown to love, or hate, over the last decade (unfortunately excluding myself as “Slytherin Prefect 1”) will be coming back to pay a visit. Let’s just try and give them some lines this time, eh chaps?

Oh yes. And it’s dark. Anyone mentioned that yet?

Thought so…

The Kraziest KitKats You'll Ever Kome By...

There have been some strange KitKats over the past year and a bit, but recently it seems that Nestle are really going all out when it comes to down-right bizarre flavours, most of which, quite honestly, have been bloody awful…

Cheese KitKat – 1 Finger

Let’s get the daftest one out of the way first, shall we? Yes, Mr. Nestle and his confectionary wizards have actually decided to create a cheese flavoured treat. Quite frankly, it’s just as bad as it sounds. Certainly capturing the cheesy taste, which in itself not such a good thing, this is more a novelty than any kind of treat.

Brown Sugar KitKat – 1.5 Fingers

The idea of adding something sweet to something else that’s likewise saccharine is not a new one. Jelly Babies are dusted with icing sugar, and millionaire’s shortbread is one of man’s finest indulgent creations. Adding the taste of molasses to a chocolate bar, however, is not really something that floated my boat. Overly sugary, and with a texture that rather made my teeth itch, this is another miss for my books.

Potato KitKat Bar – 1 Finger

This isn’t the first potato variety there’s been, and I have a sneaking suspicion it won’t be the last. Unfortunately, it’s just as horrible as every one that’s come before it, and undoubtably every one that’s soon to come. Just bigger.

Green Tea KitKat – 2 Fingers

I’m not much of a fan of green tea to be honest. It tastes a bit like old dishwater. But ho hum. This is a regional variety brought back for me from Kyoto by one of my students. It’s not awful, and is certainly a little nicer than the real thing, but it’s definitely not something I’d pay the shinkansen ride to Kyoto for.

Hokkaido Cream Latte – 4 Fingers

Somewhat of a reprieve from the badness of recent ventures is this delightful little number, which comes, even more endearingly, in a KitKat coffee cup. Hokkaido, famous in Japan for its cream (which isn’t actually all that great…) lends its name to this coffee flavoured number. Which is just top notch.

Why I Think the Japanese are in fact Mogwai

I’ve been in Japan a while now, getting to know the people, the customs, and the outright craziness of the whole thing, and, after many months of speculation, I have come to one simple conclusion; the Japanese people are in fact Mogwai.

Now, this may come as something of an odd claim to make for anyone not accustomed to life in Japan; How can a race of peoples, with centuries-old traditions be akin to an animatronic creature created by Joe Dante back in the nineteen-eighties?

Well, dear reader, cast your mind back to the three simple rules, and indeed the character of that oh-so-lovable young scamp Gizmo, and I’m sure, after my little analysis, you too will see the East through Gremlin-fied eyes.

Rule One: Keep them out of bright light, especially sunlight; they hate it

When summer rolls around in Japan, a very peculiar thing happens. Unlike the rest of the world, where folk tear off clothing to soak up the sun, Japanese women actually cover up to save themselves from being exposed to any form of natural light. So much so is this obsessive protection, that it is not uncommon to see women clad from top to toe in thick black clothing, sweating in the sweltering heat, just to maintain that “white” appearance.

Rule Two: Don’t get them wet

On my first day in Tokyo, I saw one of the most amazing sights of my life. As I was crossing the infamous Shibuya roadway (a fantastic sight in itself), the slightest rain began to fall. Nothing to an Englishman, so very used to the occasional downpour. As such, it was with utter bemusement that out of nowhere, a thousand umbrellas opened up, forming a goliath shelter lest one single drop should fall on the locals’ heads.

Since this first display, I have become more than used to a bevy of umbrellas in even the trickliest of showers.

Rule Three: Don’t feed them after midnight

This is perhaps one that I would not be aware of were I not spending the vast majority of my time living with a delightful young Japanese lady, and something that I must admit I do, on occasion, find somewhat irksome.

Whereas in the West a midnight tummy-rumble is to be quenched with the eponymous timely snack, out here it is utterly forbidden to eat after the clock strikes twelve. Don’t ask me why, as I am yet to find a suitable explanation, and quite frankly, I am still going to have my biscuits at two in the morning, rules or no rules.

Of course, it’s not just these rules that have turned me to my way of thinking; there are many other attributes of Japanese peoples that liken them to their Mogwai brethren…

A love for cutesiness and all things Disney

Remember that scene in the first movie when the gremlins storm the movie theatre and sing along to Snow White? Well, that love of all things twee emanates in every aspect of Japanese life. One cannot buy a detergent without some bizarre anime creature grinning inanely, and clothing here ranges from the cute to the down-right daft.

The obsession with Disney is also somewhat bizarre, with kids sporting bags with characters from movies they have never even heard of, let alone seen (seriously, right now EVERYONE has Jack Skellington stuff going on, and I know for a fact a minute percentage has ever actually sat through Nightmare) and waving around their Duffy the Disney Bear merchandise.

Singing

Gizmo loved to sing. Everyone remembers that. And the Japanese are the same. Karaoke bars and boxes litter the streets, and one cannot move more than ten metres down a city road without being festooned with fliers for some neon music-based establishment.

So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz, or your washing machine blows up, or your video recorder conks out, before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds, because you never can tell; there just might be a Japanese person in your house…