Crawly Pants

The Human Centipede
(Tom Six, 2009)

1 Star

This is a movie that seems to have been getting a lot of hype on IMDB for being the most depraved film of recent years, causing outrage from critics, and audiences to vomit in cinemas. So, naturally, I had to watch it.

And quite honestly, I can’t see what the fuss is about. After an initial shocking idea (which, if you’ve seen the trailers, is already ruined by the advertising campaign), there is little substance or indeed interest to be found in Tom Six’s ninety minute yawn-fest.

The concept in itself is a disturbing and thought-provoking one; a typically clichéd mad scientist (who just happens to have every nuance of a Nazi doctor) picks up typically clichéd lost tourists for his insane experiments, the pinnacle of which is to create a “human centipede”; a man-made Siamese Triplet conjoined by the gastric system. In other words, sew three randomers together arse-to-mouth so that each person along the chain is fed by their precursors’ shit. Not quite what I expected from the title if I’m honest. I imagined some kind of manic manga creation. But maybe that’s just ‘cause I’m stuck in Japan.

Of course, being in Japan, I’ve developed somewhat high expectations of these “torture-porn” movies, and with what the subscribers of IMDB have been saying, I was up for something akin to the nauseating Naked Blood or even Mermaid in the Manhole. But no. Honestly? It’s just boring. It’s almost as if writer/director Tom Six had this idea for a short movie, and just decided to drag it out to a feature. The diagram drawn by Deiter Laser’s drawling doctor is actually more disturbing than any of the following hour.

As for the acting, it’s rather hard to judge. The female protagonists are two of the most annoying Americans I’ve seen on screen in a long time, and to be honest, I was glad when their incessant whining and idiocy was silenced by having their traps sewn to people’s backsides. The doctor himself is so-so at best, seeming to merely use the fact that he is German to show how very evil he is. Surprised the German Tourist Board hasn’t had something to say about that one. Akihiro Kitamura as the head of the “centipede” is somewhat endearing, screaming out in his native tongue and doing a lot of typically Asian gurning. One does wonder though exactly why a Japanese man who speaks not a word of German, or even English, has found himself in the middle of the Bavarian woods though…

I dunno. Maybe I’m just disaffected by cinema. I’ve seen too much depravity throughout my years of studying the medium. Maybe this really is a truly grotesque display of the abyss of man’s most degenerate imaginings, and I am simply too often subjected to such corruption that I have become numb to the surreal. Or perhaps that’s it? The fact that it’s not real. I still cry at TV. Quite often actually, so I can’t be that detached.

I’m over-speculating. This was just a crap film.