Sexy New Blogatory

Evening all; decided it was time for a bit of a Spring Clean here at Silver Screen, so I proudly unveil to you our brand spanking new title page (which certainly didn't take up all my prep time at work today...). Figured it was a little more in keeping with the feel of the blog, rather than the generic background I had going before.

Anyways, we've got some exciting stuff coming your way this week; I'm working on a Congo review, both of the book and the film, as well as a run-down of my recent trips to Korea and Miyajima. Tarquin meanwhile has a new top-ten coming your way; the long-awaited "Top Ten TV Commercials of the 1990s".

Keep you eyes peeled and stayed tuned!

Muchos amores

Grae

Bertie's B-Movie Basement

I’ve been doing this blog malarkey for a while now, and in the abundance of movies I’ve looked at, it has become apparent that certain films cannot be judged in the same leagues as the more mainstream cinematic ventures that most critics would rate them. For example, one of my favourite Christmas movies, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman cannot technically, in all its glory, be given any higher than a one star review, though in its own genius way, and for sheer schlock value, it would garner itself a full five stars. The same can be said for the masterpiece of comedy that is Return of the Killer Tomatoes, which, when compared to, say, Godfather Part 2, is shockingly appalling, but as a work of humour and stupidity likewise gains full marks in my eyes.

And so, in a new feature to Silver Screen Lining, I present to you Bertie’s B-Movie Basement, a segment in which I shall be looking at B-movie classics for exactly what they are; entirely incomparable to the mainstream.

Films in this section will be rated on their own unique daftness. Most likely, they shall be low budget, straight to video, and inevitably looked down on by the academic eye, but they shall gain marks for originality, comedy and, in true B-Movie tradition, utter stupidity.

Carnosaur
(Adam Simon and Darren Moloney, 1993)

3 Stars

The first of my basement ventures is the delightfully blatant Jurassic Park rip-off from the studios of the legendary Roger Corman (Tomb of Ligeia, The Pit and the Pendulum) that is Carnosaur. Allegedly based on John Brosnan’s book of the same name (though he now claims no affiliation with it), Carnosaur tells the tale (in a wonderfully badly plotted way) of a genetic scientist (Diane Ladd, Kingdom Hospital) hell-bent on destroying mankind by engineering dinosaurs using chicken DNA.

Along the way, we have some brilliantly bad puppets, most of which look like rejects from the “Boglins” range, accompanied by more gore than a Romero movie. The highlight therein being a remarkably stomach-churning scene in which a woman gives birth to a small plastic dinosaur. Exactly how graphics these bad preceded the visual wonder of Jurassic Park by only one year is both baffling and ultimately amusing.

Complimenting the terrible plot and cringe-worthy creatures is a script spattered with some truly great one liners and a cast that really give it their all. Real proof that conviction and comedy really are the key to a decent B-movie.

If you’re up for a great dino-flick, go for Spielberg’s masterpiece. If, however, you fancy a hilariously nonsensical creature feature, then be sure to check this out; you’ll never look at that Early Learning Centre t-rex the same way again.

Not all that Smart, but fun nonetheless

Get Smart
(Peter Segal, 2008)

3 Stars

After recent nagging from my youngest brother to watch this Steve Carell spy caper, a remake of the classic American comedy series, I stumbled upon a copy in my local DVD store’s bargain bin (keeping in mind the price of DVDs over here dictates that the bargain bin is still more expensive than a brand spanking new release in the UK) and thus, with Harry’s ever gleaming review in mind, trotted home to share in his mirth.

And for the most part, I did. Get Smart is a pretty fun jaunt, with a few very enjoyable performances; most notably the always awesome Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine, So I Married an Axe Murderer) as the intelligence chief, and Heroes favourite Masi Oka as wonderfully stereotypical boffin Bruce. Unfortunately, thereafter, the cast are rather dust and lustless; Steve Carell (a number of films I really don’t care for) is his typical overrated self, whilst the lovely Anne Hathaway (The Princess Diaries, Alice in Wonderland) makes me wonder, not for the first time this month, exactly how she has risen to fame. Even Hollywood legend Terrence Stamp (Superman II, Young Guns) is utterly wooden as the generic baddie. And I shan’t bother to go into Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s performance…

The story is well-worn and predictable, causing me to work out exactly the outcome within moments of being introduced to the cast, but fortunately this mundanity is punctuated by some decent puns and some good old fashioned slap-stick. And a cameo by Bruce Campbell.

On the whole, Get Smart reminded me very much of a sub-par Ace Ventura; the kind of thing that Jim Carey would’ve done between better films. But then, Steve Carell has pretty much taken his place in the world. See Evan Almighty for more information.

Japanese Wildlife Part Two

In the last week alone, I’ve discovered a bounty of new beasts in the East, so, for your pleasure, I introduce to you some more of the weird and wonderful creatures to be found in JapanAsia.

Sika Deer

This adorable little deer species is found only in Japan, and is one of the largest minorities on the island of Miyajima, a breath-taking paradise that is so very “Japanese” it almost doesn’t feel real. Here, the sika populous roam the streets and are so utterly tame they seem oblivious to the throngs of tourists who share the island with them.

Yamori (Tawa Gecko)

The second major species of gecko to be found in Japan, the tawa is mottled in colour and, unlike his close relative, the house gecko, tends to hang around parks and streetlamps at twilight. There’s something a little seedy about that come to think of it… The vice squad of the lizard world…



Tombi (Black Kite)

There is an abundance of birds in Japan, most of whom are almost impossible to capture on camera, most notably the swallows, due to their perpetual mach seven weaving through the skies. The one that stands out, however, is the magnificent tombi, a medium-sized bird of prey that is so common down here amongst the mountains that it may as well be a pigeon. I believe the most I’ve seen in the sky at once is fourteen. Like I said, pigeon-common.

Semi (Cicada Beetle)

Yes, this is a picture of a cicada on my crotch. I won’t lie, despite their rainbow colours and symphonic twilight singing, I really don’t like cicadas. Their vast size and moth-like kamikaze tendencies make them a most unappealing little beast, and can make a walk through the park quite painful as the seventh beetle of the day comes crashing into you chest.

Shima-Hebi (Japanese Four-Lined Snake)

This chap was a joyous find, and, like his friend the ao-daisho (ratsnake), an accidental discovery when out on my veranda with my morning caffeinations. Approximately 1.5 metres in length, the shima-hebi was gliding through the shallows of the river behind my house. After watching, captivated, for a few minutes, I wandered along the banks only to discover two or three more of the silky serpents, each enjoying the morning sun as only a snake can.

Choo-Choo (Butterflies)

Okay, so maybe they’re not all that exotic, but the sheer volume of butterflies here is quite simply awe-inspiring. Usually found ducking and diving through willow branches, the vast number of species, of every size and colouring imaginable, is really rather impressive. I’m also determined to get my kids calling them flutter-bys. ‘Cause that’s what they are. Fact.


Ashinagabachi (Japanese Hornet)

One of the most dangerous of nasties in Japan (after the dreaded mukade of course), the Japanese hornet is really quite a frightful beast. About an inch and a half long, they move in small groups and are often found nesting in old tree stumps. Naturally, that’s not always the case, and I was unfortunate enough to discover a small nest under construction in the eaves above my veranda. Luckily, it seems they aren’t the world’s greatest builders, and I awoke one morning to find the whole thing had collapsed under its own weight. The residents had buzzed off sharpish… Dear god I’m a wit…

Saru (Japanese Macaque)

Monkeys are everywhere in Japan. Indeed, we’ve all seen the famous pictures of macaques bathing in the hot springs of Hokkaido. Macaques are actually a unique species amongst the animal kingdom, in that they are the only primate, save for humans, known to wash their food thoroughly before eating. Alas, despite various expeditions, I have yet to see a troupe in the wild, only coming across these wonderfully emotive creatures as performers, inevitably seen at every festival and street circus across the country, always looking snappily dandy and simultaneously tragic in little monkey waistcoats. I am determined to find some in the wild soon though, merely for reassurance purposes.

Bumper KitKat Bonanza!

This month we have something of a bumper edition of the KitKat Kollective, featuring finds from all over East Asia. We have special editions from Tokyo and Fukuoka, and even a sneaky little charlatan I found in Korea… Enjoy…

Soy Sauce KitKat – 3.5 Fingers

This one really strikes me as a tourist special, being limited only to certain places in Tokyo, and is quite frankly, a bizarre choice for a chocolate bar. That said, it really works… The soy sauce infuses itself with the white chocolate giving a delightfully pungent mapley taste. Ruddy good show Japan.

Wasabi KitKat – 3 Fingers

This is just plain weird. Another of the Tokyo Tourist editions, this really does emulate the overpowering experience of too much of that famous Japanese horse radish. I wouldn’t say it’s one I would choose given the option, but for sheer balls, this gets a solid three fingers.

Kinako (toasted soy bean) KitKat – 2 Fingers

I’m not really sure what to think of the third of my Tokyo specials. Not knowing what kinako actually tastes like on its own (I’ve had it on mochi, but never thought to myself “hmm… I really fancy a spoonful of soybean powder…”), I’m not quite sure how to take it. It kind of tastes like a dusty KitKat. But maybe that’s what they were going for.

Framboise KitKat – 3 Fingers

Usually, I’m not a huge fan of the fruitier KitKats, but this one took me by surprise. Taking on the flavour of raspberry liqueur, it actually manages to taste alcoholic. The raspberry itself is perhaps a little overpowering, and does leave something of a saccharine aftertaste, but overall not an entirely unpleasant experience at all.

Yuzu and Chilli KitKat – 4 Fingers

This, a Fukuoka exclusive, is quite possibly the best variation that I have come across since my Kollecting began; infusing the Japanese citrus fruit yuzu (an aromatic lime-like fruit) with chilli and dark cholcolate, it creates a taste sensation that is just awesome. This is one of the rare payoffs for obsessive collecting. Thank you Mr. N.

Purple Potato KitKat – 0.5 Fingers

An Okinawa special that somehow found itself in Fukuoka station, I really only bought this for the sake of completion. And it’s rubbish. I had the regular potato variety a few months ago, and it was just horrible. And this one is worse, redeemed only by the fact it has a pretty wrapper and some quite attractive purple chocolate. Chocolate and potato simply doesn’t work. Give it up!

Ocha (green tea) KitKat Bar – 3.5 Fingers

Now usually, I’m not much of a fan of green tea. It’s growing on me certainly, but is by now means a beverage of choice. As such, I was delightfully surprised at just how good this one was. Substantial and filling, as all the bar varieties tend to be, this was also curiously tasty. And had green chocolate. Something I always admire.

KicKer – 0 Fingers

I was informed that KitKat was available in Korea, under a different name; KicKer. I was not informed, however, that said bar was a cuckoo’s egg; a pair of knock-off Nikes; a down-right fake. Made by Crown (whoever they are) KicKer, although to the untrained eye, a simple variation of KitKat, contains sub-par quality chocolate, and far too little wafer. Beware this impostor. If you have any concerns regarding counterfeit KitKats, please contact FAKT – the Federation Against KitKat Theft.

Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers at night...

The Wolfman
(Joe Johnston, 2010)

3.5 Stars

Whilst researching my MA final project, I spent many sleepless hours lost amongst the classics of horror cinema. Through the works of Wes Craven, John Carpenter, and eventually finding myself in something of a comfort zone amidst the great classics of the Universal Monsters. Many of these old movies hold little more than kitsch value nowadays, and it is with a air of sadness that I often hear my brother slating them as mere “crap”. Kids just don’t seem to know a classic when it’s beating them around the face…

Despite the technical brilliance of The Invisible Man and the haunting delights of Dracula, the one Universal classic that has always stood out for me is that infamous Lon Chaney Junior outing, The Wolfman, its story still touching and a wonder to watch seventy years after its original release.

And so, it was with a little more than an ounce of excitement with which I have anticipated Johnston's glossy remake, which finally hit the silver screens of Japan last week. And for the most part, my bloodlust was fulfilled.

Drawing inspiration not only from its namesake, but also such classics as Werewolf of London, American Werewolf and even The Murders of the Rue Morgue, Johnston's take on The Wolfman is a much darker venture than the directors of olde could ever have imagined, kicking off with a wickedly gory opening sequence that sets the tone for lacerations still to come.

Benicio del Toro (The Usual Suspects, Che) gives an aptly haunted and haunting performance as accursed Larry Talbot, though his plight somehow seems a little less heart-wrenching than that of Chaney’s Talbot. This is perhaps to be blamed upon the rather trite sub-plot involving Talbot’s father (played by Anthony Hopkins, who doesn’t quite seem to know what his accent is supposed to be, varying from an angry Glaswegian to Valley’s Boy from scene to scene) being the original werewolf. On hearing this, I groaned aloud at the inevitable werewolf fight that would, and did, serve as the film’s climax.

The real star, however is the ever-watchable Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings), whose Ripper-hunting detective is deliciously sardonic from start to finish, though his story arc does feel a little unfulfilled by the end of the movie.

One question that I always begin with when it come to werewolf movies is “how’s the transformation?” Unfortunately, as is the fashion these days, it’s all CGI. It seems that until someone actually has the guts not to rely on computers, we will never again feel the writhing pain of David Kessler in that old John Landis classic…

That said, The Wolfman is a good, fun, and delightfully bloody romp, drawing from its predecessors, and for the most part learning from them, keeping me fully entertained for its rather short ninety minutes. Howling for more? Perhaps not, but certainly sated in my wolf-like hunger.

Hard Rockin' All Over The World

Hard Rock Café

Fukuoka

After any long stretch away from home, one begins to really miss the home comforts. I’ve gone into this at some length in the past, so I shan’t hark on too much. Over the course of the last few months, I’ve adapted and compromised to a certain degree, and when necessity calls for it, I’ve handed over vast sums of cash-monies for such simple things as cheese and marmite. Recently, however, on thing I’ve really missed is a ruddy good burger, since the Japanese “hamburg steak” is a mushy, flavourless gloop of supposed burger meat.

And so, as part of my Golden Week vacation, I decided to treat myself to that old favourite of mine, the Hard Rock Café. It’s somewhat of a necessity for me as a global traveller to check out Hard Rocks in each new city I find myself in, and in passing through Fukuoka on my way to Korea, I figured I had to drop in.

I cracked a nostalgic smile for my Cardiff days as I approached the Fukuoka Hard Rock, with its neon guitar and crashed Cadillac (not quite as cool as the King Kong that hangs off the roof of Hard Rock Tokyo), and as I was seated at my table by one of the many delightfully peppy young waitresses, I began to salivate with anticipation for what was to come.

After some confusion over my Long Island Iced Tea (why the hell would I go to Hard Rock and order a regular iced tea? Silly girl), I tucked into a hearty plate of nachos, covered in more cheese than I think exists in the entirety of the rest of Japan, and a BBQ bacon cheeseburger, its saucy, beefy magic only marred slightly by the addition of just a few too many caramelised onions.

With my appetite sated, I retired to the giant guitar-shaped bar for a few more drinks; another, less good than the first, Iced Tea, followed by a mediocre Mai Tai. I couldn’t complain though, since the young girl serving was chirpier than an anime schoolgirl.

The one thing that did rather let down the Fukuoka franchise was the memorabilia. Hard Rock is known for its extensive collection of rock and roll knickknacks, and indeed most branches are adorned with some very impressive pieces of tat donated by the rich and famous. Unfortunately, Fukuoka seems to have been forgotten, with the collection here consisting almost solely of old posters and a few golden records. Of the few guitars there were, only that of Peter Frampton comes to mind. But they do have Debbie Harry’s shoes outside the toilets.

Despite the niggles in the décor, Hard Rock Fukuoka was a great night out; food was the standard Hard Rock fare (though a lot less salty than the UK branches thankfully), and the staff were bright, bubbly and happy to help. Stepping out into the night with my bag of merchandise, I felt a sense of warmth and reminiscence that brought a wistful smile that rarely occurs out here in the Nippon.

Hard Rock Fukuoka; been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.